Smallville
Relic

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Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
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Let's Do The Time Warp Again

We flash to white before we can see Lana do her Lisa Simpson impression. The drifter has put the same pearl necklace on Louise and is kissing her neck. She looks twelve. But she's enjoying it, I guess. "I Only Have Eyes For You," is playing (you know, that song where they go, "Jshew-wa, jshew-wa," and it always makes me think of an "@" symbol) as Louise and Joe Tribbiani gaze into each others' eyes. They're cavorting in a barn in the middle of the day (dirty!), and Louise is wearing a red skirt and loose white blouse that actually accentuate her figure nicely. (What figure? Exactly.) She leads Joe by the hand and says she's been thinking about him all day. Joe stops her and pulls her close. He kisses her. "Jshew-wa, jshew-wa!" Joe says he's never felt this way about anyone. This was in the days before sexually ambiguous bald men were considered sexy. Joe says he wants to be with Louise. More kissin'. Lots more kissin'. They really need to not shoot Louise from that lower angle, because her short hair makes her look like a boy. Or a British pop star. Louise starts walking for no reason other than to have Joe chase her. Joe pushes her up against a post and makes out with her there, too. They start tearing each other's clothes off as the camera revolves around them. I'm getting sick. And not from the camera. Neck kissing. Heavy breathing. They're both down to their undershirts. Louise pulls Joe down to the ground. She lies on top of him. He's now shirtless. A blanket is laid out neatly on the ground for them. It was nice of her husband to set it up like that in advance. More kissing. The little medallion hangs down from Joe's necklace between them. Kissing. Louise's breast is totally showing through her flimsy, see-through top. Yeah, I'm thinking Ms. Kreuk's probably not too happy about that edit. Louise runs her hand up Joe's back. They only have eyes for each other.

We flash back to the present. Clark is hot and bothered. "Clark?" Lana asks. "I was brushing my hair!" Clark screams. Clark stands to tell Lana that the love letter probably wasn't from Louise's husband. There was no date on it? Clark says he thinks it's from the drifter. "They were in love," Clark says. That's so shocking and dramatic that we go to commercials.

In the Smallville: 1961 "Will Continue" promo, there's a shot of Joe ripping off Louise's blouse that's not actually in the episode. And the camera is spinning in the opposite direction. Just FYI. Oh, and Steve Harvey's still on television? That moustache must have mystical powers.

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