Oh dear.
The Board of Directors of LuthorCorp meets with talks of voting "no confidence" against Tess, which, frankly, I was thinking of doing myself. Just as they're about to take out their aggressions, not on the financial institutions that are probably bankrupting them, but on their new leader, Oliver walks in. He tells them that he now has a controlling stake in LuthorCorp. Welcome to your merger, bitches! But then Oliver notices that an executive clack-ball toy is running on its own and suspects it's a bomb. He ducks and tells everyone to get down, but it's too late; the boardroom goes KABLOOEY and kills everyone except Oliver, who gets away with a small, unobtrusive scratch
The bomber is a portly toymaker and likely AintItCoolNews Talk Back poster who used to work for Oliver, but went crazy and got fired. Now he's working for Lex, creating things that go boom-boom. He isn't thrilled that Tess got away.
As Oliver recovers from his scratch in the hospital, he steers Lana and Clark away from his lead on the case. Clark and Lana take a break from breaking the Kent family bed with their superschtupping to try to track down Lex and the toymaker. That's good, because the guy is planning on taking out The Daily Planet. Chloe helps Oliver track the nefarious geek bomber down, but learns along the way that Oliver is only pursuing this because he wants to kill Lex. They argue about the morality of killing to protect Clark, and Oliver wins, pretty much.
Clark and Lana make a bunch of noises about finally getting to be together and fighting crime together, but Lex (or the awful stunt double who sounds nothing like him and only has a bald head in common with him) ain't having it. He knows that Lana's new power-skin suit absorbs Kryptonite. Lex's plan is to have the bomb that's supposed to take out the newspaper carry two huge canisters of Kryptonite. When faced with the choice between letting the building blow up or letting Lana absorb the Kryptonite and become poisonous to Clark, they decide to let Lana take the meteor. Clark can't come near Lana without getting sick. Clark, who has made peace with not wanting to kill Lex, suddenly snaps and wants to kill him. Lana stops him with an incredibly lame speech, but it doesn't matter. The trailer containing Not-So-Much-Lex blows up suddenly. Lex is presumably dead (although surely he's not), and it seems Oliver used one of the toymaker's bombs to do the deed.
Chloe and Oliver have another ethical discussion when she finds out the truth about Lex's "death," but they agree not to tell Clark. Lana and Clark have one last horrible barn scene in which Lana says she can't stand to be around Clark if she can't touch him. Dr. Science can't reverse the Kryptonite absorption, even though he can crate a super suit out of human skin. Clark fights through the pain to give Lana one last crappy, passionless kiss. Lana sucks the life out of Clark, a metaphor for the show if ever there was one. Then she leaves, in slow motion, as they're both saying "I Love Yous."
So if you've ever loved the show and thought it was building to a fitting end for some of its major characters, congratulations. You got played. Go watch Friday Night Lights instead.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then check out our comic geek's guide to the Superheroes (and Villains) of Smallville! And check back next week for the full recap!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
In a few minutes, I'll show you what I almost sent to my editors in lieu of writing a real recap for this episode. I believe the grade for "Requiem" is the first "F" I've ever given to an episode of this show over eight seasons for reasons that will soon become apparent. It's very easy to give a low grade to an episode that was lazy, or filler, but I usually don't because those episodes are still better than most of what's on TV. But "Requiem" crossed a line into television that was simply offensive, a smack in the neck to fans who've stuck with the show so long. It's not just a bad episode, it's an episode that renders everything that came before it worse, making it all feel a huge waste of time and emotional investment. That's far worse than an episode that aims low and stays there.
We open on a very dark workshop where a donut-shaped man with tinted glasses is staring through the magnifying lens of a fluorescent, donut-shaped light. He's applying paint with a thin brush to a model of the Daily Planet building. "The world moves so fast today," he says to no one in particular. We pivot around to get a better look at the guy. He's, in essence, Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons minus the facial hair. He reminds me of Dan Schneider from his Head of the Class days or if you want to update the image, Dan Vogler from. Balls of Fury. You could even go with the obligatory Hurley from Lost to complete the rotund-and-thick-haired trifecta. Nice thick muttonchops, dude. He opines that we had it so much better as kids, when hours seemed liked days and a favorite toy could be a child's best friend. My best friend was a doll named Joey. Now he lives in the garage with three cats. Just then we see a creepy-as-Hell ventriloquist's dummy sitting in the background. GAH! Where did you come from, little man? And please don't say your puppet mom's wooden vagina because that will make me scream. "Toys are powerful things, you know," the craftsman says as he turns to the dummy. He's wearing black gloves as he works. He tells the dummy that toys are vessels for the imagination, imbued with life through play. He moves the building model and we can see the little golden globe on top is spinning. The dummy looks unimpressed. We'll see you later, toy man. I have a feeling you'll be back.
We cut immediately to a helicopter shot of nighttime in Metropolis. The LuthorCorp building looms large. Near it, someone has installed a giant video screen on one of the buildings.
Television Without Pity • © 2013 Bravo Media LLC • A Division of NBCUniversal •
Comments