The Board of Directors of LuthorCorp meets with talks of voting "no confidence" against Tess, which, frankly, I was thinking of doing myself. Just as they're about to take out their aggressions, not on the financial institutions that are probably bankrupting them, but on their new leader, Oliver walks in. He tells them that he now has a controlling stake in LuthorCorp. Welcome to your merger, bitches! But then Oliver notices that an executive clack-ball toy is running on its own and suspects it's a bomb. He ducks and tells everyone to get down, but it's too late; the boardroom goes KABLOOEY and kills everyone except Oliver, who gets away with a small, unobtrusive scratch
The bomber is a portly toymaker and likely AintItCoolNews Talk Back poster who used to work for Oliver, but went crazy and got fired. Now he's working for Lex, creating things that go boom-boom. He isn't thrilled that Tess got away.
As Oliver recovers from his scratch in the hospital, he steers Lana and Clark away from his lead on the case. Clark and Lana take a break from breaking the Kent family bed with their superschtupping to try to track down Lex and the toymaker. That's good, because the guy is planning on taking out The Daily Planet. Chloe helps Oliver track the nefarious geek bomber down, but learns along the way that Oliver is only pursuing this because he wants to kill Lex. They argue about the morality of killing to protect Clark, and Oliver wins, pretty much.
Clark and Lana make a bunch of noises about finally getting to be together and fighting crime together, but Lex (or the awful stunt double who sounds nothing like him and only has a bald head in common with him) ain't having it. He knows that Lana's new power-skin suit absorbs Kryptonite. Lex's plan is to have the bomb that's supposed to take out the newspaper carry two huge canisters of Kryptonite. When faced with the choice between letting the building blow up or letting Lana absorb the Kryptonite and become poisonous to Clark, they decide to let Lana take the meteor. Clark can't come near Lana without getting sick. Clark, who has made peace with not wanting to kill Lex, suddenly snaps and wants to kill him. Lana stops him with an incredibly lame speech, but it doesn't matter. The trailer containing Not-So-Much-Lex blows up suddenly. Lex is presumably dead (although surely he's not), and it seems Oliver used one of the toymaker's bombs to do the deed.
Chloe and Oliver have another ethical discussion when she finds out the truth about Lex's "death," but they agree not to tell Clark. Lana and Clark have one last horrible barn scene in which Lana says she can't stand to be around Clark if she can't touch him. Dr. Science can't reverse the Kryptonite absorption, even though he can crate a super suit out of human skin. Clark fights through the pain to give Lana one last crappy, passionless kiss. Lana sucks the life out of Clark, a metaphor for the show if ever there was one. Then she leaves, in slow motion, as they're both saying "I Love Yous."
So if you've ever loved the show and thought it was building to a fitting end for some of its major characters, congratulations. You got played. Go watch Friday Night Lights instead.
We open on a very dark workshop where a donut-shaped man with tinted glasses is staring through the magnifying lens of a fluorescent, donut-shaped light. He's applying paint with a thin brush to a model of the Daily Planet building. "The world moves so fast today," he says to no one in particular. We pivot around to get a better look at the guy. He's, in essence, Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons minus the facial hair. He reminds me of Dan Schneider from his Head of the Class days or if you want to update the image, Dan Vogler from. Balls of Fury. You could even go with the obligatory Hurley from Lost to complete the rotund-and-thick-haired trifecta. Nice thick muttonchops, dude. He opines that we had it so much better as kids, when hours seemed liked days and a favorite toy could be a child's best friend. My best friend was a doll named Joey. Now he lives in the garage with three cats. Just then we see a creepy-as-Hell ventriloquist's dummy sitting in the background. GAH! Where did you come from, little man? And please don't say your puppet mom's wooden vagina because that will make me scream. "Toys are powerful things, you know," the craftsman says as he turns to the dummy. He's wearing black gloves as he works. He tells the dummy that toys are vessels for the imagination, imbued with life through play. He moves the building model and we can see the little golden globe on top is spinning. The dummy looks unimpressed. We'll see you later, toy man. I have a feeling you'll be back.
We cut immediately to a helicopter shot of nighttime in Metropolis. The LuthorCorp building looms large. Near it, someone has installed a giant video screen on one of the buildings. This ain't Blade Runner, guys. We cut to inside the LuthorCorp tower where two large portraits of Lex and Lionel Luthor are mounted side-by-side. Aw. I miss those guys. A woman we've never seen before walks in front of the portraits and says that Tess Mercer has taken too many risks. It's a meeting of LuthorCorp board members. A man sitting at the table says her risks have paid off. Ooh, sweet ill-gotten gains! We're rich, BEEYATCHES! An older man on the board says she's had success with The Daily Planet. I would say that is arguable. The paper sucks now. The woman complains that Lex didn't know she was funneling all of LuthorCorp's money into one experimental bio-weapon. "And now she's lost the prototype," she concludes. Wow, they're really shitty keeping trade secrets in this company. The whole board knows about Project Prometheus? Did they write about it in the company newsletter? She votes for a vote of no-confidence. I think you mean you move to vote. You can't vote to vote, can you? Doesn't that cancel itself out? A youngish guy at the table seconds her motion. She asks those in favor of a change to raise their hand. They all start to do so, but the double doors leading the boardroom suddenly open. Oliver walks in. He agrees with their "Ayes," saying it is time for a change, but not the way they're expecting. "Oliver Queen, what are you doing in enemy camp?" the woman in the red business suit asks him. I think you're missing a word in that sentence. All in favor? I move to add a "the." Motion carried. Oliver says he's the one who called this meeting; Tess sends her regrets for not being there, but she's got business in Dubai. Oliver reveals that she's pursuing their international interests. Plural. He drops the bombshell: with Tess's help, he's purchased a controlling stake in LuthorCorp. Oliver smirks at everyone. That can't be legal, can it? Red Suit complains about Tess going behind their back to help with a hostile takeover. Oliver shoots back about being lectured on ethics, saying LuthorCorp has used the world as its personal playground. And pooped in the sandbox, apparently. The camera shifts focus to show us an executive Newton's Cradle toy, you know, the one with the clacking metal balls that swing left and right. It begins to swing on its own. As Oliver is being yelled at by Red Suit, he notices the clacking balls. Yay for Oliver for recognizing when there's balls shifting around near him. His look grows serious as the balls stop suddenly. "Everybody down!" he yells and quickly ducks. We cut to the exterior where a giant explosion rips the side of the skyscraper. Flaming debris falls toward us. One piece of fiery building lands right on the camera and we cut to the opening credits.