Episode Report Card
Omar G: F | 1 USERS: F
Love Is A Many Squandered Thing
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!
In a few minutes, I'll show you what I almost sent to my editors in lieu of writing a real recap for this episode. I believe the grade for "Requiem" is the first "F" I've ever given to an episode of this show over eight seasons for reasons that will soon become apparent. It's very easy to give a low grade to an episode that was lazy, or filler, but I usually don't because those episodes are still better than most of what's on TV. But "Requiem" crossed a line into television that was simply offensive, a smack in the neck to fans who've stuck with the show so long. It's not just a bad episode, it's an episode that renders everything that came before it worse, making it all feel a huge waste of time and emotional investment. That's far worse than an episode that aims low and stays there.

We open on a very dark workshop where a donut-shaped man with tinted glasses is staring through the magnifying lens of a fluorescent, donut-shaped light. He's applying paint with a thin brush to a model of the Daily Planet building. "The world moves so fast today," he says to no one in particular. We pivot around to get a better look at the guy. He's, in essence, Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons minus the facial hair. He reminds me of Dan Schneider from his Head of the Class days or if you want to update the image, Dan Vogler from. Balls of Fury. You could even go with the obligatory Hurley from Lost to complete the rotund-and-thick-haired trifecta. Nice thick muttonchops, dude. He opines that we had it so much better as kids, when hours seemed liked days and a favorite toy could be a child's best friend. My best friend was a doll named Joey. Now he lives in the garage with three cats. Just then we see a creepy-as-Hell ventriloquist's dummy sitting in the background. GAH! Where did you come from, little man? And please don't say your puppet mom's wooden vagina because that will make me scream. "Toys are powerful things, you know," the craftsman says as he turns to the dummy. He's wearing black gloves as he works. He tells the dummy that toys are vessels for the imagination, imbued with life through play. He moves the building model and we can see the little golden globe on top is spinning. The dummy looks unimpressed. We'll see you later, toy man. I have a feeling you'll be back.

We cut immediately to a helicopter shot of nighttime in Metropolis. The LuthorCorp building looms large. Near it, someone has installed a giant video screen on one of the buildings. This ain't Blade Runner, guys. We cut to inside the LuthorCorp tower where two large portraits of Lex and Lionel Luthor are mounted side-by-side. Aw. I miss those guys. A woman we've never seen before walks in front of the portraits and says that Tess Mercer has taken too many risks. It's a meeting of LuthorCorp board members. A man sitting at the table says her risks have paid off. Ooh, sweet ill-gotten gains! We're rich, BEEYATCHES! An older man on the board says she's had success with The Daily Planet. I would say that is arguable. The paper sucks now. The woman complains that Lex didn't know she was funneling all of LuthorCorp's money into one experimental bio-weapon. "And now she's lost the prototype," she concludes. Wow, they're really shitty keeping trade secrets in this company. The whole board knows about Project Prometheus? Did they write about it in the company newsletter? She votes for a vote of no-confidence. I think you mean you move to vote. You can't vote to vote, can you? Doesn't that cancel itself out? A youngish guy at the table seconds her motion. She asks those in favor of a change to raise their hand. They all start to do so, but the double doors leading the boardroom suddenly open. Oliver walks in. He agrees with their "Ayes," saying it is time for a change, but not the way they're expecting. "Oliver Queen, what are you doing in enemy camp?" the woman in the red business suit asks him. I think you're missing a word in that sentence. All in favor? I move to add a "the." Motion carried. Oliver says he's the one who called this meeting; Tess sends her regrets for not being there, but she's got business in Dubai. Oliver reveals that she's pursuing their international interests. Plural. He drops the bombshell: with Tess's help, he's purchased a controlling stake in LuthorCorp. Oliver smirks at everyone. That can't be legal, can it? Red Suit complains about Tess going behind their back to help with a hostile takeover. Oliver shoots back about being lectured on ethics, saying LuthorCorp has used the world as its personal playground. And pooped in the sandbox, apparently. The camera shifts focus to show us an executive Newton's Cradle toy, you know, the one with the clacking metal balls that swing left and right. It begins to swing on its own. As Oliver is being yelled at by Red Suit, he notices the clacking balls. Yay for Oliver for recognizing when there's balls shifting around near him. His look grows serious as the balls stop suddenly. "Everybody down!" he yells and quickly ducks. We cut to the exterior where a giant explosion rips the side of the skyscraper. Flaming debris falls toward us. One piece of fiery building lands right on the camera and we cut to the opening credits.

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Now that Charlie Hunnam has dropped out of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, who should be cast as Christian Grey?

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