Smallville

Episode Report Card
Omar G: F | 1 USERS: F
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Love Is A Many Squandered Thing

Overhead shot of the newspaper's spinning rooftop globe. The camera does an acrobatic cartwheel as Clark and Lana emerge from the door to the roof. They find two stubby pillars of glowing green, each with a giant glowing green ball on top. Wires stick out of each of the balls and the effect is that they look like two giant, pole mounted Martian testicles. I'm sure that was the desired effect. Clark steps forward, then hesitates as he feels a jolt of pain. Lana says that this much Kryptonite could take out half the city. She knows this... how? "Clark Kent and Lana Lang," a lugubrious, low voice says, "welcome to your destiny." Who the Martian balls is that? "You destroyed me in every way," the voice says. We cut to Faux-Lex, with his mask and tubes, staring angrily with one eye. It doesn't look at all like Michael Rosenbaum and even though the voice is supposed to be masked, it doesn't sound like his inflections either. It's a big, stupid Lex Fail. A Lexdown, if you will. Not-At-All-Lex says that now he's going to take away what matters most to each of them. Getting away from this show and not letting it ruin their careers? "Lex?" Lana says, as if she recognizes the voice, which is impossible. Dully, Lex asks if they remember what people remember the most about star-crossed romances. He says it's not how the lovers met, it's how the relationships tragically end. He goes on to say, in his muddy voice, that the suit Lana is wearing is designed to absorb enough Kryptonite that Clark won't ever be able to go near her again. And the downside is...? Weakly, Clark says, "You're a coward, Lex." Clark demands that Clark come out and face them. Yeah, I'll get right on that when I have some legs and my ass doesn't look like boiled bacon. "No, Clark. It's time for you to face your defining moment," Not-Lex says. Is that what this is? Because I thought it was just another shit moment in a long history of lame crucibles for Clark. Bad idea to do a close-up on Faux Lex, by the way. It just reminds us how little this looks like our old Lexypro. The villain says they could walk away, sacrificing innocent lives to stay together, or they could defuse the bomb and sacrifice their love forever. Couldn't Clark superspeed the bomb somewhere, even though he's in pain? Just kick the thing? Call one of the Justice Leaguers like Flash for help? I guess Fake Lex would just make it blow up. Still, he could maybe put on his future ring and call his buddies in the Legion to help a brother deal with some Kryptonite. Lana turns to Clark and says his name softly. Clark looks around, pained. "You have to," he says. Lana, teary-eyed makes her lip tremble. She puts her hand on Clark's cheek. They kiss. For once, semi-passionately. Faux Lex is like, "No! Fuck! That's not supposed to happen! Bitches, this isn't romantic! Stop! I demand you stop!" Or rather, he just sits there and watches them, breathing hoarsely. Lana steps back from Clark. She walks to the giant Martian testicles. She steps behind and between them as the villain watches. Clark gulps. Lana lays a palm on each of the giant testes. She glows green as their power surges into her. The green lights flicker and the balls blaze. Lana hovers above the balls and her hands are green with fire. The wind picks up. Lana grits her teeth and looks up. She looks frightened. Sparks everywhere. There's a flash of bright white-green light and suddenly, Lana falls to the ground. The towers are now glowing like blue neon. Clark calls her name and steps forward, but groans. Welcome to how I feel whenever I see Lana on this show. Or Lois, for that matter. Are you sure she's not full of Kryptonite, too? Lana's breath hitches as she looks to Clark. Her eyes fill with tears. "Lex," Clark says grimly. He zips away. "Clark!" Lana says as she stands. She looks nauseous.

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Smallville

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Now that Charlie Hunnam has dropped out of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, who should be cast as Christian Grey?

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