Smallville
Rogue

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Omar G: B+ | Grade It Now!
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The Breastplate and the Bad Cop

Hey, campers. Time for more superhero goodness. And it doesn't get much better than this: for once, we don't have a kryptonite-created villain to contend with. What do I say to that? Let the Small times roll.

This week, we don't get the Kent farm. Instead, we get a building that looks like a courthouse in the middle of a cityscape at night. But it's actually a museum. We know this because inside, hipster music is playing and people are walking around in their uptown best, pretending to be interested in art. Clark Kent turns around conspicuously and we see that he's wearing the big-city fashion equivalent of britches with the flap open: khaki pants, a red shirt, and an unmatched dark sports coat. I would make further fun, but I've probably worn just such an ensemble, perhaps in the last month. Surrounded by elegantly dressed city dwellers, Clark leans forward with his tall, lanky self to admire something from the Liberace era of ancient Greek history. It's a big sparkly breastplate with big red, white and blue jewels. It's as if they got your aunt who gives out rhinestone-studded shirts at Christmas to design battle gear. A gold snake in the shape of an "S" sits at the center, in a perfect recreation of the Superman logo. Man, if this is what inspires Clark to wear the costume later in life, then he's even gayer than I suspected. And while I've got my Gaydar on, here comes Lex around the glass case to edumacate Clark. Turns out the shield belonged to Alexander the Great, who was known more privately as "Alexander the FABulous!" Lex -- who is wearing a black suit and tie right out of Reservoir Dogs -- tells Clark that the design symbolizes strength and courage. And disco. Clark says, quite rightly, that he doesn't see himself going into battle wearing something like that. A sarong, maybe. A dance belt, sure. But not that. Lex says that darker times call for darker methods. Lex, I respect you and all, but that is the least dark piece of clothing I've ever seen. The breastplace can be seen by blind aliens four galaxies over. Clark says he didn't know Lex was such a history buff. Lex says he's interested in men who ruled the world before they were thirty. Subtlety, thy name is the Smallville writers' room. "You still have a few years to go," we hear a voice say and I know it's Lana Lang because I have to turn down the "pretty" setting on my TV just to see her. Clark fumbles that he didn't know she was going to be there. She asks if Lex didn't tell him. Um, no. It's a surprise. "Must've slipped my mind," Lex says, and excuses himself to leave them alone Clark gives him a little look before he leaves -- an "Oh, yeah, right, you skunkmonkey" look if I ever saw one.

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