Episode Report Card
Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
Kids These Days

Now comes maybe the most painful thing I've ever had to recap. The Dissing of Lex. He appears at the barn, saying he hopes he's not interrupting anything. "You are," Clark says, and puts Chloe down. "Does he know?" Chloe asks. Clark says no and that he only tells people who don't lie and stab him in the back. Lex asks if he can have a word alone with Clark. Alone. Clark says he's busy. "Don't worry about it, Clark. It's cool," Pete says, and comes downstairs wielding an aluminum bat. Pete says that he and Chloe will meet Clark in the car. Chloe slides up to Lex and says she's always wondered: for a boy who has all the money in the world, you'd think he could afford a good toupee. Ouch. It physically pained me to write that. Lex is hurt, but he looks like he almost digs it a little -- this new, bold, chunky-haired, spitfire, hellion Chloe. Funny looks between Clark and Lex. Lex asks what's going on. He says if he didn't know any better, he'd think they were on something. Clark puts an arm around Lex and says that they're not on anything, not that it's any of Lex's business. Amusingly, Clark asks if Lex has ever heard of a phone, since he keeps barging in there and... Lex interrupts to say that Snideface won't budge. "He won't budge or you don't want me in the cave?" Clark asks. I think Lex definitely wants you in the cave. Clark says you pay a guy to do a job and he does what you say; isn't that the way it always works? Oh, Clark and his naive ideas about male prostitution. Clark says he's going to go into those caves when he damn well pleases. And it's up to Lex whether he brings a bottle of wine and protection. Clark dares Lex to try and stop him. Lex asks if this is really about a term paper. Clark smiles slyly, his eyes at half mast, and gazes down in the direction of Lex's crotch. There's mischief in those eyes. Mischief and the Gayest Look of the Episode. "You'd love to know, wouldn't you?" Clark asks. Clark says he's gonna go. "So are you," Clark says, and pushes Lex aside casually. Lex gets pushed quite a few feet. He says he likes to see Clark stand up for himself, but he warns Clark not to cross the line. Clark hasn't just crossed the line. He peed on it on his way. Clark asks if that's a threat. Lex says it's just a friendly piece of advice. Clark gives some advice back: he warns Lex to stay the hell away from him. Smackdown!

Loud rock music. Country road. Pete's new blue sports car. Clark, in the back seat, tells Pete to go faster while Chloe checks herself in the rearview. Chloe watches Clark in the mirror and asks him what other superpowers he has. Clark tells Chloe to come to the back seat and find out. Chloe hops over to the back seat as Pete says, "Hey, this isn't the pimpmobile." Ha! My dad has a white Dodge Dynasty with red interior that we call The Pimpmobile. As Chloe and Clark start to make out, Pete says, "Damn, Chloe, I never knew you had all that!" Clark tells Pete to keep his eyes on the road. Then he and Chloe kiss like they've been given a weekend pass. Pete looks in the rearview and tells Chloe and Clark to get a room. Why should they? They've already got his car. They're kissing like total smoochy wusses, by the way. As Clark kisses her neck, Chloe tells Pete that she wants him to make a pit stop at The Talon. "Ha ha, awwww man!" Pete says. Thank you, Pete.

The Talon. A big American flag is hanging outside. Inside, Chloe and Clark are on a sectional couch making out with wild abandon. A not-Lana waitress comes up and interrupts them. "Excuse me? Hello?" the curly-haired waitress says. The waitress asks them to leave. "We're not going anywhere," Clark says. Chloe tells the waitress to go get her manager. Storm clouds a-brewin'! The waitress gives them a snide look (but not as snide a look as Snideface would have given them) and goes to do just that. Chloe straddles Clark. Clark asks Chloe the Raccoon what she wants to do next. She suggests strip poker. Clark says they don't have any cards. "Sure we do," Chloe says. She whips out an imaginary deck of cards and starts dealing. Clark smiles. He lost the hand. Chloe leans forward and pulls apart the buttons of his shirt in two brisk yanks. My friend Nick points out that he doesn't have a Superman logo under his shirt. Clark takes the rest of his shirt off as Chloe and he continue to kiss. Clark drops his shirt on the floor. And as he does, the red meteor stone falls out of the pocket and the stone loses its brightness. Aw, man! I was really enjoying Snark Clark. Clark looks around and suddenly realizes what's going on. "I can't do this," he says and squirms out from under Chloe. She asks why the sudden Jekyll & Hyde. Instead of putting his shirt back on (I guess he can't because of the buttons), Clark puts his brown jacket on. Chloe asks if he was thinking about Lana. He says this has nothing to do with Lana. Chloe gets up and it looks like she's wearing some sort of black nightie. She says that Clark has no real feelings for her. Chloe accuses Clark of using her as a data machine, pumping information and research out of her. She says she's nothing but Clark's personal search engine, and she's sick of it. Yahoo! You go, Chloe! Clark says nothing. "I want you, Clark," Chloe says. I want her to use a little makeup remover. Clark squints at her and we hear the x-ray vision whooshing sound. We don't actually see the x-ray this time -- only Clark's constipated expression. Clark says, "Chloe, you have the parasite." Is that an STD? Chloe says she loves the way it feels. Chloe says this may be just what she needed -- to start living life instead of just reporting it. She slinks to Clark and kisses him again. Clark pulls away, but of course, Lana saw it this time. She's standing in the background when the smoochers separate. Clark zips up his jacket and says this is not what it looks like. Chloe, smiling, says this is exactly what it looks like. Lana walks right past them. Chloe says that Clark told her everything. Lana turns around and has tears in her eyes as she stands by her kitchen escape door. "And I mean everything," Chloe says. Chloe walks off. Lana looks at Clark with those tears in her eyes a second longer. Clark says he can explain. Lana bobs her head around like those *N Sync bobblehead dolls that Best Buy could never, ever sell a while back. Clark runs after Chloe instead of Lana.

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