Clark slips out the contents of the envelope. There's a small folded piece of paper and a felt midnight blue pouch, seriously the kind I get at work all the time when videogame companies are promoting their latest sword-and-sorcery RPG. They're where you hold your 20-,12-,10-,8-, 6- and 4-sided dice. Clark feels inside the pouch without opening it, then unfolds the paper. Clark reads it out loud: "Kal-El, I wish I could continue this journey with you. But now you must seek out your father. If I sheltered you from him for too long, forgive me. Jor-El sent you here on a mission. He's the only one who can help you finish it. I am returning something that is rightfully yours. I know that it will lead you to your destiny." Wait, I thought Jor-El wanted Clark to enslave humans. Swann's all right with that now? Well, he's dead, so I guess he doesn't care anymore. MamaKent and Bo exchange tortured looks. Clark opens his geekboy pouch. It's the goddamned Octagon of Omar Annoyance. (The OOA.) What, no Lord of the Rings collectible trading card? Bo looks completely pissed off and frightened, like, "Not this octagon bullshit again!" MamaKent sighs heavily. There is no escaping the ennui caused by this geometric boogeything. On the news, they're saying that Swann was looking for intelligent life from the stars (well, he found life, at least), and that his work will benefit generations to come. Close-up of the back of the octagon. Inscribed on its beautiful surface are the words "Fuck you, Omar!"
The Caves of Contrivance. A cave wall opens up to reveal the Chamber of The Three Stones of Algotharah, or whatever the fuck we're supposed to call it. The cave slides open so easily that I think Clark may have had a garage door installed. Clark circles around the stone table with the perfect shaft of modern décor lighting upon it. Clark looks at the octagon, and then inserts it into the Coin Slot of Galactic Video Poker. A huge bolt of lightning suddenly flashes in the caves, making Clark shield his beautiful face. "Not the cheeks!" he thinks. Terence Stamp, voice of Jor-El extraordinaire, tells his son he knew he would return. Clark is surrounded by electric blue Jell-O. They almost cut this scene, but the producers told the editors, "There's always room for electric blue J-E-L-L-O!" Clark asks why he was sent to find "this." The octagon? Jor-El says it's because Clark may be (note: "may be") the last survivor of a great civilization. Clark says that it can't be so great if it destroyed itself. Jor-El says that Earth's civilization will destroy itself, too, if Clark doesn't shut the fuck up and start doing what he says. Oops, Clark. Jor-El says that the knowledge of their world was encoded into three stones and hidden in different parts of Earth. By whom? Krypton goblins? Intergalactic FedEx? Nintendo of America? Jor-El says that if humans find the stones before Clark, they won't be able to resist the temptation to use them for eeeeevil, causing poverty, war, famine, and destruction. Are you sure somebody didn't already find them? Jor-El says that Clark has to find the other two stones. "The fate of the world is in your hands," says Jor-El. Oh, awesome. I was hoping the show would turn into The Legend of Zelda. The camera gets tired of moving all around Clark and his CGI soup, and things suddenly get very bright and shaky. We cut from this to the opening credits.