Smallville
Sacred

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House Of Flying Bullshit

Props to Roger from last week for costing me $621.22 in doctor bills. Man's best friend? Try man's next lawsuit.

Also, quick joke, before I forget. There've been a lot of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon jokes flying around this week, but I thought I'd share my favorite of all time. For a sketch we did once, Nick came up with the perfect mock porn title: "Crouching Behind Her With My Balls A-Draggin'." Sheer poetry, people.

We open in the humble Kent kitchen, where MamaKent slams down a book bulging with Metropolis University porn -- pamphlets and other info about the school. "Decisions," MamaKent tells Clark. Clark assures her that major life decisions are on his to-do list. Right below "Look up 'emote' on dictionary.com." MamaKent says that Lois is out of town, so Clark has no excuse not to use his brain, for once. MamaKent, circling around the kitchen, tells Clark that deadlines are coming up for college applications. She knows it was tough for Clark to give up his football scholarship, but that he has to start thinking about his future. Cape or no cape? Curly hair swirl or not?

There's a knock at the door. Clark goes to answer. It's a package for Clark Kent, although the delivery boy makes it sound like, "Clarkette," which is even nicer. "Sign here," the Asian dude says. And also, "I'll see you later in the episode...in CHINA!" Clark signs on one of those big metal clipboards, really high in the air so we can see it, and takes the envelope. "What is it?" MamaKent asks. It's a sealed manila carrier that holds papers or photos inside. Nice cut to a reverse angle as Clark says it's from Dr. Swann.

Bo, in the living room, announces that Clark and MamaKent should come see something. They're going to take these women and give them all kinds of plastic surgery and put them all in a freakish pageant! Nely Galan is a genius! On TV, a newsperson is saying that they have breaking news from New York. Bo somehow picked up on the story telepathically before it aired. Bo also picks up something like, "Ya house...it's on...FI-YA!" from another town, but chooses to ignore it. The reporter on the news says that Dr. Swann passed away that morning. There's a fairly recent photo of Christopher Reeve (not that recent; it's from before he died). The reporter says that no other details are known. Clark stares at the TV in disbelief as sad music plays. As MamaKent and Bo also look saddened (if a little weary), the news says that Swann would be remembered as a leading philanthropist. Clark says he just talked to Swann the week before. "I'm sorry, Clark," Bo says. No hug? Pat on the shoulder? Nothing? Fine then, Dad! I'm gonna be gay just to spite you! Instead, Bo takes MamaKent's hand, because she needs the lovin'. Clark angrily tosses a tiny piece of paper from the envelope onto the coffee table. Stupid envelope lint! He says he had so much more to learn from Swann about Krypton and Jor-El. Dude, just rent the DVDs. MamaKent says that Clark can be happy for the things he did pass on. Really good ratings for one whole week, for instance.

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