Episode Report Card
Omar G: C | Grade It Now!
House Of Flying Bullshit

Chinese temple! Lex is in a two-man cell with his homie Li'l Half-Dead. Er, Jason. There's a single window and no furnishings. Jason asks his "boss" what they're doing there. Lex suggests that since they took the map and brought them to the temple, the thugs must be after the same thing. Cheap Shanghai ass? Jason says -- and I'm not making this up, "You're pretty anxious to make me your sidekick, aren't you?" Hey, if the chaps fit, Tonto. Lex asks if they shouldn't drop the secrecy and work together to get out of there. Right about here was where I figured out that Lex set this whole thing up to make Jason give up some information. Jason suggests that Lex spill his guts first. Lex agrees: his father had every inch of the temple scoured (scrubbing bubbles!) and didn't find anything. Lex says that Jason wouldn't have come to Shanghai if he didn't know the secret to reading that map. Jason says he lied to Lana to protect her. Lex calls Jason, skeptically, Lana's new self-appointed hero. "She seems to have a way of attracting them," Lex says bitterly. Jealous much? Lex looks at the wall, where some of the cave symbols are drawn in chalk. Close-up of the back of Lex's head. Fans go, "Lick!" Lex thinks Jason is either being used by his mother or Lex's father. Lex suggests that neither one would hesitate to sacrifice Lana. "In the end I have a feeling I may be the one protecting Lana from you," Lex says. Jason scoffs, and then raises his eyebrows mockingly at Lex. Do not mock Lex with your eyebrows! Lex sighs. The guards come in noisily, and somehow Lex is too deaf to notice. He gets whipped with a heavy belt on the back for not noticing. He falls. Another guard yells gibberish and points a baton at Jason, who is scared of batons. Lots more stupid yelling: "Yu-gi-oh! Flatdown! Pachanga"! They drag Lex off. Jason is left alone in the cell.

Chinese marketplace. SARS Mask Guy is now riding a moped. Clark and Lana -- the two most conspicuous Americans in Asia since Kareem Abdul-Jabar filmed scenes here with Bruce Lee -- stand around looking goofy. Clark says it's hard to believe that they were surrounded by corn stalks that morning. Lana says they're definitely not in Kansas anymore. I sigh in defeat. "How are we supposed to find this Professor Sen?" Clark asks. Just then, a dude on a bike rushes by and Lana dodges, landing in Clark's arms. They hug in a very overly rehearsed way. And yes, I know it's supposed to mirror how Lana met Jason, and, what the fuck ever. The camera zooms in as they look at each other. It's not exactly "Love, love, LOVE!" It's more, "Blah, blah BLAAAAAH!" Lana breaks the hug and says that Papa Luthor told them to go down this street and look for the green rooster. So they're following Jason's and Lex's footsteps in looking for cock, then? Clark doesn't know if they should trust this woman they haven't even met yet. He wonders if they can do it on their own. Lana says she didn't know Clark spoke fluent Mandarin and knew his way around Shanghai. That's all right. The extras don't know Mandarin either.

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