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Heeeeeeee's Nuts

Wow. This one's really good. Let's just dive right in.

We open on what looks like the outside of an old warehouse, with a town car and a yellow moving rig parked outside. If that blue lens filter is any indication, we're in Metropolis. Inside, creepy music plays as we're close up on a single bluish-green eye. The face around it is wrapped in bandages. "Let's have a look," somebody says. The person lying in a dentist's chair in bandages is holding a necklace of green stones. A person whose face we can't see starts taking off the man's bandages. Mummy mia! Reverse angle. A simple table has a laptop on it. The screen shows a photo of a man's facial profile. The rest of the room is mostly empty. The bandages come off in an apparent homage to the first Batman movie. The man in the chair holds a mirror up to see his face. The guy who took off the bandages goes to the laptop and pushes some keys. We see a photo of Morgan "Rutger Hauer" Edge on the screen. The photo changes to a front-face view. Man, that Rutger Hauer has a huge head. You might be seeing it floating above the city in this week's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. "You're a new man," the doctor tells the patient, who is stroking his face and whispering, "Pretty pretty pretty" in his head. The New Man looks at his face and says it's like looking at a stranger. For us, too. The doctor, if that's what he really does, asks if that wasn't the idea. Those are some pretty gnarly scars on that new face. "Throat hurts," the New Morgan Edge says. The doctor says he'll feel better when the swelling in his vocal chords go down. Vocal chords? They operated on those, too? I may not know anything about plastic surgery, but doesn't that cross the line into hard plastic surgery? Ceramic surgery? Light bamboo surgery? The New Edge pulls up the mirror again, but this time he sees a sexy bald man in the reflection. "Now, I'm a crime boss, and I think of myself as sexy even though the reason women flock to me is money and power, not my bloaty, puffy face, but even I'm not deluded enough to think I'm that sexy. Not even in a morphine haze." And he's right. It's Lex Luthor, Goddamned Sexy Man About Town. In the mirror, Lex says that, personally, he thinks society places too much emphasis on looks. Easy for someone who looks like you to say. Lex says it should be the character of the man that counts. Speaking of characters who count, I really like The Count. Lex calls him Mr. Edge. The New Edge (now with facial scarring!) says that Lex must have him confused with someone else. Right. Smooth. The photo's right on the laptop over there. I guess that is a pretty deep morphine haze. Lex tells him he can change his face, his hair, his voice.... "But not your DNA. You still sweat the same," Lex says. I know I joke about Lex, but in this case I'm really wondering how Lex knows Morgan Edge's sweating habits.

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