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Nice Not to See You

It's Tuesday night. Gilmore Girls is over. And my Gaydar is back from the shop. Time for some Smallville, folks.

Somebody call Blink 182, because some crappy alt-rock band just stole their sound for the schoolyard-based opening. And while you're at it, call Green Day and tell them Blink 182 stole their act. Then call Nirvana, then the Pixies, The Ramones, The Beatles, and hell, just get Chuck Berry on the line. There's some stealin' going on. Students mill about in front of a banner, and there is at least the relief that they got rid of that front-facing stock footage of Smallville High that's plagued the show like a particularly, plague, I guess. We've got us some new footage, people. Bad rock music makes me see blood, so it's appropriate that we go to a big sign for the Red Cross. Pete, in a blinding red hooded shirt, is talking to a woman in a strange, mottled purple jacket, but it's okay because she's only on screen for a second; she's holding a clipboard that just screams, "I am an official something-or-other." Pete turns around in time to see the man who will be the Man of Steel, but who for now is merely the Boy of Very Hard Plastic, Clark Kent. Clark is walking with the girl he likes, Lana Lang, and they're talking about the blood drive, which Lana is chairing. You mean they let a high-school kid be in charge of a bunch of needles and mass quantities of human fluids? At my high school, I don't even think they let us use staplers. Lana says it was a good way to get out of gym class. You know, the place where Clark uses his x-ray vision to watch Lana undress in the locker room? Good move, Lana. Pete calls over to Clark and tells him that it's time for them to hit the showers. Clark -- who is wearing a hideous yellow "Property of Smallville High" shirt under his red hooded uniform (same as Pete's) -- looks to Pete for a long moment, and they share a Babe-like moment of understanding. Showers. Right. Clark tells Lana goodbye, and it's off to the steamy showers for the pretty, pretty boys.

A blonde girl in the bleachers who looks like Drew Barrymore if Drew were liposuctioned about the face down to a Size 2, is writing frantically in a little bookish journal. The girl -- played by Azura Skye from Zoe, Duncan, Jack, and Jane (she was Michael Rosenbaum's sister) -- is wearing, strangely, fishnet stockings with a very Chloe-like black ensemble. Some mean boy comes over and swipes the journal. He taunts her. He flips through the pages. Just then, the girl's brother -- who looks like a mix of Sara Gilbert's boyfriend on Roseanne ["Johnny Galecki" -- Wing Chun] and that guy in your school who tried to make his hair look like Robert Smith's -- comes over and tells the guy to leave his sister alone. The brother used to be on Dead Last. The mean boy reveals that the sister is writing psycho love letters to Lex Luthor. Who? Isn't Lex way out of high school by now? I keep telling you he hangs around the school too much. LexStalka' Girl tells the mean boy that he's being a child. She says that it's because of boys like him that girls want a man like Lex. I thought it was because he's...well, Lex. And if lusting after Lex is wrong, then nobody in the Smallville forums is right. LexStalka' grabs back her love journal. Mean Boy keeps on talking, saying that just because her parents clean Lex's toilet doesn't mean he'll slum with the help. I thought half the reason rich people hired help was so that they could have slummy affairs. Brother tells Mean Boy to leave her alone. When asked what he'll do about it if Mean Boy persists, Brother just walks away. Well, at least he did something. LexStalka' looks down at her journal with her ten-pound eyelashes after Mean Boy walks away, as he mutters, "Losers." She looks sad, or at least those huge falsies make it look that way.

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