Smallville
Shimmer

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
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Nice Not to See You

Hey! Nice torsos! The torsos of which I speak belong to Pete and then Clark as they walk out of a steamy, hot shower room together. Man, this episode is already gayer than Spartacus. Pete, it must be said, has an unexpectedly toned chest. Clark, we expected, but Pete is like a nominee for Best Supporting Chest in this episode (an honor that will not be going to Lex's new girlfriend, I might add). As they're talking about the blood drive and walking back to the lockers, Clark feels a pain and groans. We round a corner to where Mean Boy is toweling off his hair. He's putting on a red and maroon shirt when one of his red shoes falls off a bench. He moves to pick up the shoe, and then a locker opens up next to him. Pseudo-creepy music plays. "Very funny, guys," Mean Boy says, and just then one of his shoes rises up on its own and gets thrown against a locker. I know this is TV, but that shoe looked like it was being lifted by one of Ed Wood's fishing rods. Mean Boy gets slammed in the face by a locker. A dumbbell is lifted from a bench and levitates for a minute before coming right at us. It's almost in 3D if you rub your eyes really hard and then squint right at the screen. The barbell clocks Mean Boy in the chest. Then it hits him again, but never in the face. What, is this invisible assailant afraid to mess up Mean Boy's WB good looks? Mean Boy yells, "Stop it!" And suddenly it does. The barbell drops. Clark and Pete rush over, still skirt-wrapped in their yellow towels (what were they doing all this time if not getting dressed?). They ask what happened. Mean Boy says something attacked him. Something like a ghost. Something from a ghost story. Something that lies beneath. Something that awoke a sixth sense in him. Something that might be from a crappy movie about Mars. Pete and Clark walk forward, away from the steam that is clouding up the steamiest high-school locker room that ever was. Into that steam walks our barbell-swinging anti-hero. It turns out it's a borrowed special effect from Hollow Man -- the shape of a body forming in the steam. Cue the opening credits after we've been sufficiently awed by this moment of non-terrifying CGI.

From steam to gas: We come back to the inside of The Beanery. Clark and Chloe are getting cups of coffee from a counter lady who looks a little bit too happy about serving cappuccinos to ungrateful teenagers. Chloe, wearing a feathery purple coat that Chris Robinson of The Black Crowes threw out last year, asks Clark what happened with Mean Boy. Clark says that by the time he got there (after putting his towel back on and bucking Pete off), Mean Boy was already on the floor. Clark asks whether Chloe thinks the locker room is haunted. Chloe says she doubts it, unless the meteor rocks can conjure up the ghosts of dearly departed jockstraps. What is it with Chloe and jockstraps? She needs to go buy one and rest her curiosity about them once and for all. That can be her next birthday gift from Clark.

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Smallville

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