Working late one night at The Daily Planet, Chloe is doing some freelance work for the Justice League. She's stealing some information from LuthorCorp servers, which are so insecure they're seeing Gabriel Byrne in therapy five days a week. Just as Chloe has burned her file to disc, some crazy-ass blonde girl in fishnets who has on a painted black eyemask starts throwing knives at her, alerting security...oh wait, there's no security at the world's most important newspaper, so Chloe's all alone. Chloe makes it to the rooftop, seeking some superhero help, and Oliver/Green Arrow obliges. Unfortunately, the Fishnet Vigilante also has the power to unload a demonic sonic wave from her mouth that obliterates everything in its path. She's like Ann Coulter, basically. She gets away with the disc and takes it to Lex Luthor, her current employer. Her other employer is the newspaper: by day she's a brunette conservative columnist named Dinah Lance. Dinah believes in justice and believes she's doing the right thing when Lex tells her that Green Arrow has been bombing his factories. She goes after him. Lois, resurfacing and apparently unaware of Boy Editor's recent very public death, is annoyed that Oliver is back in town and didn't call her. It turns out he was setting up a nice candlelit dinner for two, but it's interrupted by Ms. Fishnets. In the ensuing fracas, Oliver's Green Arrow gear is revealed, leading Lois to get even more upset. Green Arrow tries to talk some sense into Fishnet Lady and it works; she does some research and turns on Lex, only to get shot. But she recovers quickly. Lex and Green Arrow have the stupidest slapfight ever and it ends with Clark (who tracked her down with the help of Chloe) interceding and Lex getting shot with an arrow. Afterward, Oliver convinces Fishnets to join the Justice League. Clark gets to name her: she's Black Canary. Because she's a white chick who sings like a killer whale. Nice one, Clark. Lois, who can't bear the idea of being with someone taking saving the world more seriously than being with her, breaks up with Oliver, who seems genuinely saddened that he can't make things work.
Meanwhile, on Lanaville, things are awkward in the Kent home. Papa Luthor pays Lana a visit and asks her to dig up proof that Lex was responsible for Boy Editor's death. Lana decides to come clean to Clark about the Braniac victim she was trying to help, who has since died. Lana decides to be honest with Clark, even after he acts all shitty to her and blames her for falling in love with Lex and a psychopathic killer phantom. Lana warns Papa Luthor not to get all obsessive about trying to take down Lex. After having a heartfelt conversation with Lois, Clark comes around to Lana's point of view and tells her he doesn't want things to end and that he's not perfect, either.
It's nighttime at The Daily Planet, and apparently, it's not the paper that never sleeps. Chloe is at her desk, typing by a meager desk lamp, as another employee leaves, making her the last person in the building. I may be wrong here, but I think the guy exiting is our anonymous, yet dapper, openly gay staffer. Golf snaps! (Snap, snap.) Anyway, the paper must be in dire straits if they can't afford to keep a few fluorescent lights on at night and have had to fire all the security staff. Chloe is using some sort of terminal program to hack into...someplace? She bypasses a server and intercepts a file transfer, which is almost as exciting to watch as it is to type about. Suddenly, we cut to a set of eyes. There's black makeup around them, and funky, birdlike red and yellow feather-looking paint around the edges. This is either high fashion or the "Hungry Like the Wolf" video. Chloe is being watched from above even as the screen reads, "FILE INTERCEPTED!" "Got it," says Chloe. She's wearing a dorky little Bluetooth headset. On screen, we see, "Burning to DVD." "DVD"? Why do that when you could just stick a file on a thumb drive? Simplify, man! She tells the person on the other end of her Bluetooth headset that of course she deleted her tracks: this isn't the first time she's done something like this. The woman with the crazy makeup is also wearing fishnets, and has a bunch of knives strapped in holsters around her leg. She pulls one out as Chloe grabs the DVD from the computer's disc tray. A small dagger lands on Chloe's desk, near her hand. Chloe flees, calling for help. Oh, Chloe, she'll never find you with that big blue light flashing next to your ear. Chloe gets into an elevator. We see flashes of Canary Eyes, as well as pieces of her ridiculous outfit, which is made up of tight padded leather and stockings. Was this part of that wrestling divas challenge on Project Runway? The woman throws another dagger, and we follow as it flies toward Chloe in the elevator. It sails in slow motion, past the doors, and hits the wall right next to Chloe's head.
Then Chloe is on the roof. She tells her compadre on the phone where she is, and asks if this isn't the part where they're supposed to save her. Instead, the woman with the daggers appears behind and above Chloe. She's got short blonde hair, bright red lipstick, and that crazy black painted-on mask across her eyes. "No pepper spray?" she asks Chloe. The bird-lady flips off from her perch and lands in front of Chloe, warning her that the city is a dangerous place. Fishnet Eyegunk makes a half-circle around Chloe instead of walking right toward her. Chloe offers her wallet. Fishnet pulls out another short dagger and warns Chloe about taking something that doesn't belong to her. "Finders keepers," we hear a deep voice tell the woman. Hey, it's Oliver/Green Arrow! He's wearing his hood and sunglasses. He pulls back on his bow, pointing an arrow right at Fishnet, saying that he likes the look: "Italian?" Really? You like it? Because it's not so great, man. Maybe you're just lonely. He fires his arrow and pins the woman against the brick wall behind her; she has to take off her leather jacket to get loose. Not that we're complaining. Green Arrow and Fishnet both ready their weapons to attack. As Green Arrow fires, Fishnet opens her mouth, and giant sound waves come out. I'm not sure we're supposed to see those, since they're sound waves. The waves -- which sound like a gassy whale -- hit the approaching trio of arrows, making them fall. The woman cuts Chloe's bag, leg sweeps her, and then grabs the DVD. Green Arrow tries to tackle Fishnet, but she's got some wire-fu going. She leaps and improbably flies up to a high ledge. She turns and gives Green Arrow and Chloe a saucy look. Then she jumps off the roof. We see that a rope is attached to her, and we follow it down, and then back up to where Chloe and Green Arrow are standing and watching. Chloe has a gash on her cheek. Green Arrow takes off his glasses and looks at Chloe. "We were barely introduced," he says. My wife thinks Oliver and Chloe should date. I can hardly disagree.
Opening credits. Commercials. Oh, precious iPhone. You are even sweeter now that you are in my possession.