Smallville

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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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Canary In A Coal Mine

Kent Farm, mornin'-time. Lana pours herself some coffee. She's got millions of dollars she stole from Lex and she worked for years at a coffeehouse, but she's willing to settle for this crap-ass Mr. Coffee mud? Proof that Lana has never developed any taste of her own. Clark comes clomping down the stairs, adjusting his watch. "Good morning," Lana tells him, warmly. Roughly, Clark says, "Hi." At least he didn't go all aggressive on her: "Good morning? Is it REALLY!? You're having a good morning? Well, awesome, because I stayed up all night lying next to a woman who slept for weeks with a fucking alien phantom! A phantom who wore my awesome clothes! So you'll excuse me if I'm not having the Best Morning Ever! Fuck! Pass me the shitty coffee!" Clark goes to the itty-bitty refrigerator to grab a giant jug of orange juice, and almost knocks Lana down when he turns too quickly. They awkwardly try to navigate around each other; Clark does everything he can not to look Lana in the eye. When he does, it's all shifty. "Well, I'm off," says Lana. Clark resists the urge to yell, "Off of what? The tip of Bizarro's cock!?" Instead, Clark barely acknowledges that she's leaving. Lana makes a scowling face and goes off to do pretty, pretty things. Clark doesn't bother to watch her go. God, this orange juice is so bitter now. I hate Florida.

Metropolis. Airplane's-eye view of The Daily Planet building. Lois is walking through the newsroom holding some files. She asks someone to hold the doors of the elevator. Inside is a comely woman wearing a dark wig, rockin' the Bettie Page look. Lois gives her a bitchy look. I don't see a hole in the elevator wall from the night before. Lois identifies the woman as "Dinah Lance." Lois, not one to be judgmental, calls her the "right-wing hawk of the airwaves," and asks if she's all dressed up because she's going to an execution. Dinah, who's wearing a ring on a chain around her neck, says that if Lois did any fact-checking, she'd know the state outlawed those years ago. It's true! No, not the bit about executions; it's true that Lois is a dumbshit. Dinah and Lois keep being jerky to each other. Dinah tries a right jab at Lois by telling her that her "limousine liberal Casanova" has resurfaced, "minus a certain shrill arm trophy." She hands Lois a copy of a newspaper (it's hard to tell if it's the style section of The Planet or a tabloid) with the headline, "Billionaire boy back in town." Gracing the story is a picture of a smiling Oliver Queen with a hot woman watching him. The story is six inches long and has three subheads. Somebody was really trying to fill up that space. Dinah walks out of the elevator, which didn't seem to go anywhere. Lois, bested, looks upset.

Chloe's desk. She's looking at photos of blonde lady criminals in a Metropolis Police Department database. Chloe has a scrape high on her right cheek that she hasn't bothered to bandage. The camera swivels around to reveal Clark, wearing his silly blue jacket indoors. "Looking for a new hairdo?" he asks. No, Chloe's already had them all. "Lemme guess: ham and Swiss?" she asks. Is that Clark's new nickname, like "Big Tuna"? "Your favorite," says Clark. "No, actually, not at all," Chloe tells him. Apparently, Clark brought her a sandwich (which we never actually see) and keeps forgetting that Chloe doesn't like ham and Swiss, which she's mentioned three times in the past week. What about that titanium trap mind? I guess Clark only remembers important stuff, like where he puts weird Kryptonian artifacts and which enemies Lana has boinked. Clark doesn't apologize; he just begins to whine that he can't stay in the house knowing that the phantom was living his life there for over a month. He can't believe Lana couldn't tell the difference. "And then she tells him that they belong together," he says, in disbelief. He wonders if Lana doesn't feel that way about him anymore, and stares off into the middle distance. Chloe, light in tone, says that Lana has changed a lot since high school. Clark mopily says that he doesn't want to talk about this anymore. Chloe apologizes for not being the one who brought it up. Clark asks if she's had any luck finding Brainiac. Chloe, still very chirpy, says that she hasn't found anything since Clark asked last, which was the day before. He asks what happened to her face. They've made a huge circle, walking around the newsroom and back to her desk. Still smiling, Chloe asks if Clark just noticed the scrape. It's like Clark and Chloe are in two very different scenes: one comedic and one overly dramatic. Clark presses Chloe on what happened. Chloe reveals that she's been doing a little sidekicking for Oliver. "WHAT?!" demands Clark. SHE SAYS SHE'S BEEN DOING A LITTLE SIDEKICKING FOR OLIVER! TURN ON YOUR CLOSED CAPTIONING! Chloe says thta she has to pay her bills, and that working for Clark is pretty pro bono. Chloe likes Bono as much as the next girl, but damn, Clark. Throw a girl a nickel sometime. Clark thinks this is dangerous. Chloe says that it's just internet interception, but this time it led to a ninja lady attacking her. Chloe says she almost got beheaded, but that the girl rappelled over the building, which she thinks was "pretty smokin' cool." Clark has no room for smokin' cool in his life, even if it's just a bag of Doritos. He grimaces: "Who was she?"

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Smallville

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