Smallville
Skinwalker

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admin: D+ | Grade It Now!
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She-dogs and cave dwellers

Omar: So, you're a werewolf then?
Udo von Fecund: Rrrrroooowwwrr.
Omar: Right. So, werewolves and construction sites. Stupid plot point, or merely dumb writing?
Udo von Fecund: Grrrrrrooowwwrr. Rrar. Rrar! Awwwoooooorrrr!
Omar: Fascinating.

Opening credits. Commercials. Morgan Fairchild's voice scares me.

Man, these commercials are taking forever. Now it's two annoying Gen Yers dirt-biking across Canada. Whoa, wait a minute. Clark? Pete? The fuck? Pete and Clark all of a sudden learned how to motocross and do jumps and the whole bit. Firstly, um, no. Secondly, please see the firstly. Thirdly, where did Clark get money for a motocross bike? I thought his family's farm was on the verge of insolvency. And furthermore, where did he get that cell phone last week? Did he keep some of the goods he purchased with his credit card from the "Red" episode? Fine, let's ignore this annoyance and move on. Oh, wait -- we can't. There's about another five hours of Pete and Clark's facial close-ups as they pretend they actually know how to ride those things. And you know what? The slow motion only makes it last that...much...longer. Pete and Clark stop at the construction site. Pete asks why the police are on the site. Clark says there was some kind of explosion the night before. Good thing they had their trusty dirt bikes to scope out the scene. And what about Chloe? She can't get all extreme and gnarly, too? Pete hopes the police trouble means that Luthorcorp will get the hell out of town. Clark says it's an office park, not a toxic waste dump, and what's the harm in that? Clark offers to race Pete. They rev out of there. More riding. More jumping. Clark suddenly hits a log and tumbles headfirst into the air. He falls right on an unstable piece of ground, and falls through the earth into a tunnel below. Yes, of course. Happens all the time.

Clark falls down a very large distance. You know what? The episode just started and I already need a break. Be right back...ah, I'm back. Much better now. Clark is in a cave. A very well lit, moody cave. Somebody just happens to be there already with a flashlight. Hey, Lara Croft! Where are her twin pistols? (And no, I'm not talking about her breasts.) The girl, with her hair pulled back and carrying a backpack, comes up to Clark. "Lana?" he asks. The girl, wearing some choker jewelry around her neck, gets right down to business. She tells Clark not to move. Clark says he's fine, but "I Wrap-ya Ho" insists that he's in shock from falling a hundred feet, and immediately rips open his shirt. "You don't have a scratch on you," she says. Clark says he's lucky. She says Clark has incredible luck. Oh, jeez. She gives worse line readings than Lana. Clark sits up and asks where she came from. Her mother's womb, Clark. Where did you come from? The Native American girl says she was doing research for her father "over there." She points vaguely down the caves. She says the landslide must have opened up the wall. Wall? What wall? I don't see any debris from that. Clark didn't know there were caves down there. She says if Luthorcorp has its way, there won't be any more. She's Kyla, but you can call her Line Reads Like Buffalo. Clark introduces himself. "The invincible Clark Kent, apparently," Line Reads tells him. I don't think it was the landslide that tore down that wall. It was a shower of anvils.

We see Pete looking over the side of the hole above. "Clark? You down there?" Pete asks. Clark says he's fine. Pete asks if he needs help or if he can jump his way out. Clark says Pete's a funny guy, and tells Pete he has company. Why didn't Clark just hang a necktie over the gaping hole in the ground to warn Pete off? Line Reads looks Clark up and down saucily. I think she may be a Nava Ho. She suddenly notices something. "Oh my God," she says. Don't you mean "Creator"? She notices some cave paintings that look like they were drawn by a precocious five-year-old with sidewalk chalk. She says this story was passed down for generations. The one about dirt bikers and the comely girl who comes to seduce one of them? She says the story was written into the Earth long ago, but nobody knew where it was. Well, what do you know? It was about ten feet from where you were already doing your research project. "Thank you," she says to Clark in her zombie tone. She says her grandfather has been searching for this wall his whole life. He should have gone motocrossing with Pete and Clark. She says that according to the wall, "Numan" would fall from the sky in a rain of fire and have the strength of ten men. Wait, you mean "Numan" from Seinfeld? Hello, Numan. She says Numan would be able to start fires from his eyes. She shines her flashlight on a cave drawing of a blue robot-looking dude throwing a starfish-looking red flame at a spiral. She says it probably sounds silly. "Not to me," Clark says. In fact, Numan is gonna go tell Kramer about it and they'll go have a wacky adventure. She says she's gonna tell her grandpa about this. She invites Clark to join her. Clark is amazed and giddy. He makes a Mentos commercial face. On his way to following her, he notices a spiral on the wall. It looks like a small octagon has been carved into it. The same-sized octagon as the one from Clark's ship. Native American mystical music plays.

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