After becoming increasingly frustrated with Chloe's absence and by her obvious lying about what she's up to, Jimmy is approached by a government agent who believes that Chloe may be a terrorist. Instead of risking getting sent to Guantanamo with Harold and Kumar, Jimmy agrees to spy on his girlfriend (WHAT?!) and the government trusts this goofball with high-tech secret agent gear (DOUBLE WHAT?!). Chloe tries to help Clark find Kara and Braniac and has a plan to track them with satellites. Unfortunately, the satellite link she needs is in a giant building. Chloe decides to go to a swank party in the same building to gain access. Why they would have a goofy party in such a secure building no one bothers to ask but Chloe asks Jimmy to be her date. The two dress up and dance a what-the-fuck? tango just so they can try to look cool as Jimmy hacks into Chloe's smartphone when she's not looking (which apparently is all the time). Jimmy also installed spyware (called, cleverly, "SPYWARE") on the computer Chloe is using at Isis. Oh yeah, Chloe took up residence at Isis since Lana has gone all broccoli and Chloe got fired. Jimmy crawls through some air ducts and takes out some helpless old dude with a high-tech briefcase (you are not Solid Snake, Jimmy) only to find out that Chloe was tricking him all along. The attractive government agent who was dealing with Jimmy finds Chloe and roughs her up quite a bit before Jimmy can come in and save them. It leads him and Chloe to get all schmoopy and do the nasty. Then Jimmy does the dumbest thing yet: he goes to Lex for help to get the government off Chloe's back. Couldn't he have tried to ask Lois first? Now Jimmy owes Lex a favor. An unsexy favor. Lex goes to Zurich, finally, and finds a weird map. Gee, I wonder where that will lead him. The same guy that took out Va-Gina last week tries to strangle Lex as he's examining the safety deposit box, but Lex knocks him out. In between all this stupidity, Chloe manages to get a satellite image of the space where Krypton used to be. It turns out there are two images: one that shows a weird portal and a planet and one that's empty space. Chloe and Clark figure out that between that and a weird Fortress voice mail that Kara left for Clark that was somehow left in 1989 something interesting: Kara and Braniac must have traveled back in a time portal to a time when Krypton still existed. Clark makes plans to potentially visit Krypton, circa 1989. I wonder if all the Kryptonians were still wearing parachute pants by then.
The deal has been, for lo these seven seasons, that they produce a show, I recap it, and then you come here to read. This week, because of the difficulty that human minds, coupled with human eyes, may have in processing the level of badness of this episode, I'm going to need you to do a little extra work. I need you to procure, either by printing out or cutting from magazines, the following three items:
- A photo of a kitten. The cuter and more helpless, the better. This will counteract the loss of innocence and soul-sucking this episode will present.
- A photo of a beautiful beach. This will represent calm and relaxation when the events of this episode make us want to scream with frustration.
- Photos of Al Gough and Miles Millar. These are just for dart throwing.
We open on the Metropolis skyline at night. Incredibly funky club music is playing. It's Duffy! No, not Patrick Duffy. Or Duff. Or Duff Beer. This Duffy. We cut to a fancy dress-up party. It's a celebration of white people! Yaaay! I say, let's just have a good time: we're always stuck in a goddamned barn or a fortress made of ice. Why not just let us hang out at a party with women in low-cut dresses and blandly attractive men in suits drinking until their livers cry or they get hazed? We cruise along with the beautiful people and swing by the bar, where many blu botols are stacked on lit platforms for a nice presentation. The camera glides through an air grate and suddenly we're following a path inside a CGI-animated air duct. Hey, no! I was having fun at the party! Now I have to take a cruise through the goddamned ventilation system? No fair! We sail and sail and sail through the remarkably clean and shiny vents. Hey, was that a rat? Finally, we see a masked man crawling toward us. Is that you, Sam Fisher? The sneaky man in the pipes easily lifts up a vent grate (which apparently nobody bothered to screw into place). We see a businessman walking down a hallway below and the spy-geared infiltrator drop down from the ceiling. The masked man makes absolutely no sound dropping to the floor, leading me to believe that this is a professional, not some idiot like, oh, say, Jimmy Olsen. The sneaky spy follows the businessman, rounds a corner and attacks the man with a stun gun in the neck. The man falls, dropping a briefcase. Super Spy Dude activates a glowing blue light on the edge of the briefcase. He moves the case close to the unconscious businessman's face. It's a retinal scanner. It scans as the spy opens the man's eye. The case opens. It's got a snazzy PDA inside. The spy places his own PDA next to it and downloads some information, presumably via technology like BlueTube or WiFidelity or The Googlez. The spy takes his now-information-rich PDA and gets into an elevator, He unzips his ninja outfit. There's a tuxedo underneath. He adjusts his expensive-looking wristwatch. The elevator lights up and we see that it is Jimmy Olsen? WHAT!? No, don't use your beach photo yet! Save it! We're going to need it later, I swear. Jimmy adjusts his tuxedo bowtie as ridiculous James Bond music plays. We go to the opening credits before we all have a chance to change the channel. Or kill ourselves. Or both.