Smallville

Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | 1828 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Double-O-Lame-O

Chloe is using the satellite to glance deep into the heavens. She finds what looks like an empty pocket of space (a black hole?) in the middle of a nebula. "My God," she says. She types faster. She sends a duplicate of the file TO HER PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS! What!? Kitten photo! Alert! Kitten photo! She sends the file to "chloe_sullivan@digitalsave.com." I'm sure there'll be no record of that. Geez. Why not just post it to your Livejournal, too? The file is sent just as Spyder and her goons enter the room, guns drawn. Spyder tells Chloe she's under arrest.

Jimmy is walking down the hallway with a government agent. Jimmy tells the man that Chloe will never talk. The agent assures Jimmy that Agent Spyder always leaves a few teeth. Jimmy suddenly stomps on the man's foot. He screams in pain as if that really hurt enough to make him forget his job. Jimmy raises a hand and shoots one of his cufflinks at the man's neck. The man clutches his neck and falls. We are not here. This is not happening. We are on a sunny beach, catching some rays. Smell the surf. Jimmy walks off, triumphant. I do not smell bullshit. I smell the ocean.

Chloe, still in the control room. She's been tied to a chair. Spyder, not very threatening in her cocktail dress, asks Chloe whom she's working for. Chloe says she's not a terrorist. She's one of the good guys. Spyder gives her a dirty look. "Good guys put their country before themselves." Yeah, Clark. She asks for Chloe's network contact. Chloe doesn't answer. Spyder smacks Chloe in the face with the back of her hand. Chloe breathes heavily. She says she doesn't have one. That earns her another smack and a punch in the mouth. Chloe's lip is bleeding. We see Jimmy creeping into the room. He's crouching as he watches what's happening. Spyder asks about what Chloe was doing hacking into the power grid when there were unexplained surges. Jimmy creeps further into the room, looking for something that might help. Spyder thinks there's some secret plan. Spyder pulls Chloe's hair back. Chloe's lip and eyebrow are bleeding with very fake-looking blood. "Don't even think about passing out," Spyder warns her. "Gimme the Taser!" she tells one of her thugs. That looks more like a stun gun, but I'm sure that doesn't matter to Chloe right now. The woman tells Chloe she needs to make a choice right now. Jimmy pulls out his dinky portable video game system. Spyder asks Chloe to decide between her secret and her life. She holds the electric stun gun near Chloe's face. Jimmy connects some loose wire to his game console and now all the screens light up with his video game. This secure, top-secret government installation has an A/V Input cable just lying around? I guess they gotta watch their video podcasts off their iPods somehow. Spyder is distracted by the noisy game. She tells her guard to turn it off. The guy goes searching for the remote control Input button. (Are you looking at your beach and kitty photos? I am.) Jimmy hops up and sprays the guy in the face with a ring that shoots pepper spray. Uh huh. Right. The man falls. Unfortunately for Jimmy, Spyder is right there, kicking Jimmy in the face. Several times. Spin kick! That's what you get for messing with the TV settings! You messed up our DVR recordings! Jimmy falls, bloodied. The woman tries to stomp on Jimmy with her heel. Jimmy spins and punches her in the face. That simple shot knocks her out completely. Oh, sweet beaches. Jimmy pulls off his necktie. He throws it on the unconscious woman. "Is that man enough for ya?" he asks. I think I'm going to vomit all over these photos. This is just...repulsive. And dumb. Chloe is fading. Jimmy goes to her and she perks up. "You're still here!" she says, smiling. Did he tell you the part where he's the reason you just got beat up? Jimmy smiles back at his bloodied girlfriend.

Smallville

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