Smallville

Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | 1 USERS: F
YOU GRADE IT
Double-O-Lame-O

The Talon. Jimmy is playing a Metal Gear Solid-style video game on some cheap-ass Sony PSP knockoff. How cheap is it? It doesn't even have a color screen. The game involves ducking behind cover and shooting bad guys down a hallway. Jimmy pauses his gameplay to grab a coffee carafe. I guess that breakfast upstairs sucked, huh? Someone puts a hand over his as he's grabbing. It's the woman who was watching him earlier. She's quite attractive in her government-issue suit coat and sexy button-up blouse. "Ladies first," Jimmy says. The woman, who entraps Jimmy like a Spyder, admires his hands. She says they're strong and agile. Did you just see him totally messing up cracking an egg earlier? Those hands are only good for pushing a button on a camera or giving Clark "Bro not foe" dap. She says those hands are perfect for hacking the NSA mainframe. I didn't know you needed special appendages for that. She flashes a badge and introduces herself as Special Agent Vanessa Webber of the Department of Domestic Security. Eh, I like "Spyder" better. She says she's been watching Jimmy. "Do what, exactly?" he asks. Breakfast sausage! She leads him to a nearby table. Oh, don't worry, Jimmy. It's fine if everyone in the coffee shop hears this top-secret conversation. All right, folks, you may want to get that beach photo ready. She tells Jimmy that a few months ago, he infiltrated a top-secret government firewall called "Starhawk." Did everyone in The Talon just hear that? I CAN REPEAT IT AGAIN! STARHAWK! TOP SECRET! FIREWALL! KEEP IT ON THE DL! THAT MEANS "DOWN-LOW!" She says it took some time, but they traced the break-in to Jimmy's computer. His work computer? I've never seen Jimmy use his own laptop. And even if he did, wouldn't he probably have been using it at Chloe's place? Jimmy says it wasn't him. He says it was...he stops short before giving a name. It was Harvey...Manfrengensensen! He tells her he's no James Bond (preach it!) and that when he dressed up as James Bond for Halloween one year, everyone thought he was the Maitre' D. Maybe because you were trying to make them a shitty breakfast. "Relax, 007, you're not our target," Spyder says. It's Chloe. She shows Jimmy a shot of Chloe taken outside. Chloe's talking to someone on her cell phone while getting into her car. She gives Jimmy a second, redundant, photo of Chloe. Spyder says they think Chloe is working with a terrorist sleeper cell. We're all in big trouble if they decide to set their alarm for an earlier time. Jimmy tells the woman that Chloe's not dangerous. "Never starts as dangerous," the woman says. She paints a scenario about working late, missing dates, mysterious phone calls. So all flaky people are terrorists? Good to know. She says Chloe's been tracking energy grids, DMV records and cell phone tower records. Jimmy asks why they don't just ask Chloe about it. Spyder says that if they approach Chloe, they'll never know her "Endgame." She says Jimmy has Chloe's trust. She threatens Jimmy with federal prison time if he doesn't cooperate. For what crime? Oh yeah, I forgot. We're the U.S. We can put people away for any damn reason we want now. She wants Jimmy to figure out what Chloe is up to and report back. She slides a briefcase to Jimmy and tells him he's going to need it. He opens it in full view of a public coffeehouse. It contains a crazy assortment of spy gear, including a spy camera, a spy PDA, a spy Bluetooth headset, spy watch and a spy knife to cut people's spy necks with! All right, take out those photos. Stare at your beach scene and be serene, because this makes no fucking sense whatsoever. "Chloe Sullivan is not who she says she is," Spyder says. We go to commercial before things can get any worse.

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Smallville

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