Episode Report Card
Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
The Smallville Sleeps Tonite

Clark takes a moment to bask, and then turns and sees the chick from the woods. She does not look like she just came out of the ground. She looks twitchy and lost. Clark follows her and asks who she is. They stand by the trophy case, and Clark asks her name. She answers, "Sarah," as if she's not really sure that's right. "Sarah Conroy," she says, and nods, like, "This is the name they stuck me with. Not as cool as Van McNulty, but I guess I can live with it. Clark asks what's going on. The twitchy girl looks around and says, "He's after me." Al? Miles? Yeah, they like the young actresses. Clark asks who's after her. "He's always after me," she says. Suddenly, in the reflection of the display case, we see a red hooded figure. It's Death! And everybody ate the salmon mousse! Clark turns, but nobody's there. Well, nobody but Pete, but he hardly counts anymore, does he? Pete asks where Clark's been. Clark asks Pete if he saw that guy. Pete doesn't know what the hell Clark is talking about, and given that he's only got, like, three lines, he doesn't want to waste them talking about some imaginary asshole wearing Kenny's coat from South Park. Clark says that the guy had a big red cape on, and berates Pete for not seeing him. Clark turns to ask the girl about it, but she's gone. Pete doesn't see her either. "The insanity defense," Pete says, apropos of nothing. "I get it." Clark defensively says that he's not insane. Pete says it's insane to miss your history exam when it's worth 50% of your grade. Oops. "That's today?" Clark asks. Pete says, "It was today. You flunked." Pete shakes his head as he says it, using the same accusatory tone you'd reserve for someone who fucked your dog. Like, "How could you? I just brought him home from the pound. Hasn't he been through enough? You dogfucker." Just like that. Clark is not happy, but at least he didn't have his way with Pete's dog. (That I know of.)

The Torch. Chloe is putting some stuff away. Clark rushes in and tells her that he needs some help because something came up at the lake yesterday. Chloe is right there with the innuendo comeback: "Yeah, I heard," she says. Apparently, this Lana also gossips about her skinny-dipping exploits. Can we keep her? Chloe asks if Clark is referring to a Blue Lagoon moment Clark had with a certain ex-girlfriend. Clark is surprised that Chloe knows about it. Chloe says it's high school, and everybody knows. "Losing My Religion" is playing in the background. More on that later. Clark asks if it was the screaming, twitchy girl who told Chloe. Chloe says it's not likely, because Chloe doesn't know her. It was Lana, Clark. How dumb are you? Clark says he met Sarah in the woods and in the hall, and that she's definite Wall of Weird material. Chloe says that's too bad, because the Wall is now retired. Clark steps forward and glances at the red wall, now barren of freaks, geeks, and Mystiques. Bit of advice for would-be house painters: red is an absolute bitch. You're gonna have to do, like, four coats to get it even, and even then it'll still look splotchy. This wall is done up in squares, so you don't notice it. But trust me: think twice before you paint a hallway bright red. This Home Depot Moment has been brought to you by Glidden Semi Gloss, who reminds you that it's not our fault Omar is a dumb-ass who screwed up the primer coat. Back to your recap. Clark asks who did this. (The taking down of the Wall of Weird, not the off-pink primer coat.) Chloe says she did it. She's leaving childish pursuits behind and, like Clark, she grew up over the summer. Except she didn't grow up to be a Lamborghini-drivin' asshole. She says The Daily Planet was also beginning to frown on her little obsession. By which she means Papa Luthor, which is strange because while he doesn't like her investigating Lex, I would imagine he'd love to see all the rest of her mutant files. Clark says that the stories up there were true. "Were they?" Chloe says, out of character. She notes that people have died because of that wall. And because of Clark. Clark says that people have been saved. Like in that one song. The one not by R.E.M. Chloe says she's done chasing windmills. From now on it's hard news, backed up by facts. She's really not going to fit into the world of journalism when she gets out of school. The mandolin in the song finishes its thing as Chloe has officially Lost. Her. Religion. Did you get it? Did you get how the song ties in like that? It's so clever! Why, it's almost indecently wily!

Speaking of sins against the church (I'm thinking specifically of lustful thoughts), Lex is sitting on his leather couch with a big glass in his hand. He's hitting the sauce. Speaking of sauces and Lex, Clark walks in. Clark says he got an urgent message from Lex. He asks if something's wrong. Lex slyly says that he's not really sure. Lex says he's having a strange day. In the background, the fireplace is roaring, beckoning young luvahs to make sweet love beside it. Lex says he was hoping that Clark could help him with a problem. You see, he's got an orifice that needs clearing and...oh, and also he asks Clark to hand him a sword that's mounted against the wall. Clark wonders if they're going to play Legolas and Aragorn, and if he'll have to bring his own dwarf. Clark asks if the sword is new. Lex says that actually it's a ceremonial weapon used by sixteenth-century Samurai warriors. And most recently by Tom Cruise. Lex asks if Clark has ever heard of a Katai. It means "hard" in Japanese. I think Clark's heard of that. Clark says he don't know nothin' 'bout no Japanese history. Lex asks Clark to allow him to give him his first lesson. Lex says legend has it that the sword was forged in the fires of Mt. Fuji. Is that near Mt. Doom? Lex unsheathes his sword (ahem) and says it can cut through anything. Oh, that's just porn-star talk. Lex says that the Katai never took the sword to battle; they never had to. That is, until the strongest among them betrayed everybody and started killing them one by one. Lex circles Clark, holding his sword with both hands. It seems vaguely familiar. Lex spins the sword and says that the last warrior standing lunged at the rogue with the sword and cut the guy clean in two. I'm sure it wasn't very clean afterward. Lex says that when the armor fell away, the last warrior saw that his foe wasn't human. Lex cracks his neck a bit and then spins on Clark and swings the sword full-on. The camera swoops, the bullet-time slows things down, and Clark blocks the blade with his forearm. The blade shatters. Lex's mouth hangs open attractively. Clark's isn't exactly closed either. "Just like you, Clark," Lex says calmly. Lex says he's been honest with Clark, but it turns out Clark's been lying from the first day Lex laid eyes on him. I think it was your Porsche you laid on him, off of a bridge. Lex walks away angrily. "No!" Clark says. He says he can explain. "Too late!" Lex calls back. Lex says the irony is that all Clark had to do was come to him. You should have come to him, Clark. I've been saying that from the beginning. Lex says he was Clark's friend: "I would have protected your secret. I would have protected you." Where're the lilting strains of R.E.M. now? Lex says he can't be trusted because he's a Luthor. Clark, hurt, says, "No! That's not it!" Lex yells that he doesn't care. He says he's going to dedicate his life to telling the world who Clark really is. Clark's mouth hangs, agog, and it looks like he's a little turned on. Improbably, it's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex points what's left of his sword at Clark and says that life as Clark knows it is over. Lex leaves through the double doors. Soap opera-style, Clark yells, "Lex!" And then louder: "LEX!" Clark's heart just shattered like a blunt object struck against him.

Clark's new monster truck at night. He pulls in to the Kent Farm. Clark yells for MamaKent and Bo Duke, saying that they have a big problem. Hmmm, things seem a little s

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