The show is giving away a car, as well as other prizes, and they're not going to let you forget it: they mention that Lois has a brand-new car so many times that you forget that it's a show and start thinking maybe you're watching an infomercial, only with worse acting from Erica Durance. Nevertheless, there's a real episode here, and a good one. (The car stuff gets a separate rating: D. Unless I win the car -- in which case, B+.) MamaKent is infected by some sort of bright light that causes her skin to start turning moldy. Clark, desperate to help her, trusts Professor SoFine, who claims that it's a Kryptonian disease inflicted by Jarnnelle -- who, by the way, was a dictator responsible for the deaths of billions on Krypton. SoFine and Clark go to the Fortress of Solitude to take out Jarnnelle and his stupid House of Ice Dildos, bu then SoFine double-crosses Clark, pinning him down with some Kryptonite and revealing that he's not a Kryptonian at all, but some sort of robot there to free Zod, the real evil deathbringer. Luckily, Chloe -- who gets a tip from Papa Luthor that SoFine is not what he seems -- follows SoFine through the Caves of Contrivance portal and saves Clark. Clark throws SoFine the requisite thirty feet across the ice chamber, and SoFine lands nastily on some sharp ice dildos. What a sexy death! Only SoFine disappears (as does, very far away, his spaceship), so we're not sure if he's dead or regenerated somewhere else. After giving everyone a good scare and sharing some emotional scenes with Clark, professing her deep love for her son, MamaKent is cured by SoFine's sudden disappearance. Lex, meanwhile, is super-pissed that his ship is missing, and blames Papa Luthor. Lois spends time with Chloe in the newsroom and thinks maybe this reporting stuff's not so bad after all. Especially if, say, Chloe were to die and Lois had to take her place somehow. Hey, I don't like it either, but I must speak of painful truths.
What if you could watch a TV show, just like always, but at the end of that TV show, you could win a car? That would be the shit, wouldn't it? And what if you could see that car before you win it because it shows up all over the episode as people rave about it? And what if the car that everybody was impressed by was a Ford Fusion? Then you would truly know that this show was a work of science fiction.
We begin this week's Price Is Right...er, I mean Smallville with a small promo touting tonight's "fresh" episode. You know what the "fresh" is all about? It's new-car smell. Twinkling music plays as we look up at the stars. I think I see Homonius, the gay kiss constellation. The camera pans down to show a vehicle approaching the Kent driveway at night. Hey, is that the new 2006 Ford Fusion? I hear the car is made by Ford and it's being given away on TV! And the front looks like it was stolen from the Infiniti G35. MamaKent is in the car, getting a ride home from Lois Lane, after work at The Talon. MamaKent thanks Lois and says that her own car will be out of the garage the next day. MamaKent is carrying a bag of groceries in her lap, which doesn't speak well of the Ford Fusion's trunk space. Lois mumbles a bunch of lines about how she likes spending quality time with MamaKent, because she apparently doesn't get enough of that at work. My guess is that nobody else will talk to Lois at work. The way she fast-talks, I don't really know how people follow Lois's dialogue without Closed Captioning. Slow down, girl, you're not on Gilmore Girls. MamaKent gives Lois a maternal look and says she's really proud of her. She has a job and a brand-new car. Hey, guess what that new car is. It's a Ford Fusion! (Applause!) MamaKent says that Lois has really grown up. Really? Because there are quite a few sixteen-year-olds who have cars and steady jobs slinging coffee. I'd say that, if anything, Lois is on track to become an adult in about three years. As much as I love MamaKent, I can't tell you how unspeakably lame that last line was. Why do people act like Lois isn't a totally obnoxious loser? Lois says that the car is her safety net: when she loses her job and apartment, she can use the vehicle to sleep in. That's the spirit, Jewel! MamaKent realizes the error of her last line and just smiles at Lois, trying as fast as she can to get out of the Ford Fusion. It's so funny that they're talking about Lois's future, because, in fact, the Ford Fusion is "Built for the Road Ahead."