Smallville
Solitude

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Win A Car While MamaKent Dies

This is the WB welcome-back dialogue for the mid-point teaser. I swear I'm not making it up: "If you're just joining us, something is killing Clark's mother!" I have my moments, but even I cannot write something that funny.

The Fortress of Solitude! At least until they turn it into the Fortress of Condos. You really should get in on the ground floor because this baby's gonna appreciate like crazy when they build the Wal-Mart next door. Clark, inside, holds a large Glowing Ice Dildo of Interstellar Knowledge. Wait, you put it where? Really? Is that the wisest thing? Does it hurt? "Kal-El!" says the booming voice of Jarnelle. "Why have you come?" I was in the shower! Just washing! But still! You should have called, my son! The opening credits say that this is the voice of Terence Stamp, but for some reason it just didn't sound like it to me. I really thought they got someone to sub for Stamp this week, but then I've been wrong about these things before, and I did go back and make sure his name was in the opening. Clark screams that Jarnelle can do what he wants to him, but that he should leave his mom alone. You don't have to yell, my son! I've got four bars on my cell phone right now! You sound fine! Jarnelle says he's caused MamaKent "no harm." Clark screams for Jarnelle not to lie, and says that if he'd known this would happen, he would have given up his own life in a second. "It was you who chose to give up your powers and turn your back on me," Jarnelle booms. So suck it, my son! Clark pleads with him to let MamaKent live. Jarnelle says he's sorry, but the wheel of fate has already been set in motion. If you are hungry, my son, there is also a wheel of cheddar cheese from which you may partake! It's over by the ice thing! Jarnelle says that even Clark can't alter destiny. Clark regards the ice dildo. You'll keep me warm, at least, won't you, sweet ice dildo? Clark shakes the dildo in frustration. Thanks for nuthin', old man!

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex, wearing his politician suit, is staring at an image on his laptop of the spaceship in the hangar. The screen goes to static. Lex asks the attractive lady next to him what he's looking at. About a jillion dollars? She says that this interference started forty-eight hours ago and has continued since. Lex asks if it's a video glitch. She says it's more like an electromagnetic tidal wave. Lex made a huge mistake storing the ship on the island from Lost. Papa Luthor appears at the doorway, where the entrance is wide open. "Good afternoon, Lex," he says. Way to keep it top-secret, Lex. Once again, your crack security proves itself to be woefully pre-9/11. Lex, shutting the laptop, doesn't turn around as he tells Papa Luthor to save his breath if he's come to offer political advice. As he strides in, Papa gives a long look to the woman exiting, which, you know, right on. Papa says he's aware that Lex has a "cadre of top-shelf professionals for that." Papa, going straight for the Scotch, asks whether those advisers know what Lex keeps hidden behind closed doors. "Ooh," Lex says, "you must be referring to our deep, dark family secrets." Lex promises not to embarrass the Luthors. Papa says he's talking about what Lex keeps hidden in Warehouse 15. Lex does a bad job hiding his surprise, and says that if Papa wants to make up stories to cripple his campaign, he won't be the first: "Just make it original." Papa says it's not the campaign he's worried about, it's Lex legacy. He suggests that Lex won't want to be known as an eccentric like Howard Hughes. Papa says that Hughes is remembered more for his ten-inch toenails than for his contributions to society. By the way, be careful you don't trip on the jars of urine along the walls on your way out. Lex chuckles and says that Papa's the eccentric in the family. Papa says that's true, but that he's not the one running for office. Papa says that the electorate has little patience for "candidates obsessed with little green men." Hee. Papa, leaving, says it's time for Lex to get his house in order. Lex sighs at that. Cleaning is no fun.

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