Smallville
Spell

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Next on Charmed...er, "Smallville..."

By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. It's called "Spell."

We open on a woman trying to unlock a cell door on a moving carriage. A title card tells us helpfully, "France 1604." A woman says resignedly, "It won't open!" She says they must get out of there before they reach the fields. Nice English there. Also? Nice use of contractions in English in 1604 France. They must have taken Advanced Twenty-First-Century English at Middle Ages France State University. The defeated woman sits next to an equally downtrodden lass, who's like, "That sucks! Totally!" "Isabelle?" the other girl asks. A much less freaked-out-sounding Isabelle says, "They've taken my book, and with it our powers. What would you have me do?" she asks. Yeah, bitches! Why you always gotta be asking Isabelle for help? She's not, like, God or something. One of the scared girls says they're running out of time. "Time is the one thing we do have," Isabelle says. Anybody up for some Jenga? Isabelle, who is wearing a red hood that covers her eyes, promises that if they fall tonight, they will rise again to complete their quest. Yeah, hey, Isabelle, about that falling part...? Could we skip that? Nice, hood, by the way. Are you Raiden? Or Falstaff? Or Borrow-beer, or Tanis or Ling-lee of Tammerway or some shit?

Something crashes, and the rolling cage comes to a stop. A horse whinnies. Isabelle, who looks a bit from the face like a certain preternaturally perfect being who appears on this show every week, flinches instinctively at the sound of it. Meteor, no! A cloak is pulled from the cage to reveal a suddenly loud throng of mobbing peasants. Nice of them to stay quiet for that. They're like, "Surprise! Now burn!" One guy says, "She turned me into a newt!" Another guy says, "A what?" Then the newt guy mumbles, "...I got better." Then everybody goes, "BURN THEM ANYWAY!" Some Friar-looking dude unlocks their cage and pulls the three ladies out. "Come on sisters, into the fire with y'all." This episode's torches provided by Larry's Torches and Mob Pitchforks. If you're ever in the Vancouver area, you could do a lot worse than getting your angry mob torches at Larry's.

The two scared witches are freaking out as they're led through the mob, while the one in the red cloak and hood just ducks her head and gets through it. She's obviously seen lots of celebrity perp walks. One guy watching has an axe to grind. No, really, he has an axe to grind. That thing's dull! Somebody pulls the hood off of Isabelle. Hey, wait a minute -- that's Lana Lang! What the FUCK!? Oh I get it. It's not enough that Lana Lang has to be whining in every episode: now she gets to do it across the fabric of human history as well. How very Voyagers. Sometimes I fucking hate this show. WitchLana gives everybody a "Fuck you!" look as we hear something nearby growl angrily. Oh, wait, that's me. Sorry. Wow, my jaw really hurts all of a sudden.

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Smallville

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