Smallville
Spell

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Next on Charmed...er, "Smallville..."

Countess Lana is bemused. She tears open Clark's shirt. She starts to chant at him, and I've given up on translating. Something about Evanescence and potato chips. A cold wind tosses the hair and cleavage of our subordinate witches as Countess Lana places her palms on Clark's big chest, and a burst of energy flows out of him toward the ceiling. Hey, I think Tron was in there. Countess Lana stands up and has a magic orgasm. "It is done," she says, satisfied. Now can somebody get her one of those clove cigarettes? She says that Clark's powers are gone. The three of them stand up, leaving Clark and his splayed crotch open on the floor as big, overly dramatic music plays. My wife in the kitchen mumbles about how stupid this all sounds. That's why I married her, folks.

Commercials. Oh, America. Sometimes I think you're better than Blue Collar Comedy, but then sometimes -- like, say, a few weeks after an election -- I watch one of Jeff Foxworthy's buddies get knocked in the nuts by a baseball bat and I start to think that maybe we've gotten exactly what we deserve. In other commercials news: Victoria's Secret is still making bras.

Back in the barn. Clark is strung up in heavy-looking chains to a rafter. He's bare-chested and powerless. "He awakens," says Briana-Lois. So they just stood there and watched him until he woke? I guess that is a pretty torso. He asks what they did to him. Were there...(sniff, sob)...handjobs involved? Maddie-Chloe says they just made sure he wasn't a threat. She calls him "sorcerer." Clark denies that he's a warlock. Countess Lana says that he's something else. She could sense it when "[his] magics were ripped from [his] body." I can't make this shit up, people. If I could, I'd be a rich man, apparently. "I can taste it on you," Countess Lana says. We cut to Briana-Lois, which is a bad idea, because her makeup isn't looking so hot right now. Countess Lana says that Clark must know about the three stones of power. While he was asleep, they took turns kicking him in two of them. Clark lies that he's never heard of them. Torture! Torture him!

The bitches...er, I mean "witches," come up to Clark and start molesting him, saying that they know he's touched the stones. Are we back to talking about Lex again? Countess Lana figures he knows where one of them is hidden. The girls ask him to tell them where the stone is. Maddie-Chloe says, "Let me cut it out of you," and she drags her nails on his chest, bringing blood. "No!" Countess Lana yells. "There are easier ways to get what we want." Sex is easier than that? Really? Countess Lana senses that Clark's body has desires for the one she inhabits. He's warm for her form. "Well, it desires you too, Clark," she says, "very, very much." She comes closer. Kisses him. Not surprisingly, her upper lip goes over his. "Monstra," she says. Monstra.com? The witch employment site? More kissing. Clark feels like he's eating a cheeseburger: he's lovin' it. And hating it. But mostly lovin' it. A pink mist comes out of him in a smoky swirl. Countess Lana is stealing The Gay! NOOOOO! "The caaaaves," says a voice from the swirl , but, like Cyb, I definitely heard, "The Gaaaaaaay." Unfortunately, Closed Captioning doesn't agree with us. Countess Lana smiles. She thanks him for his help. Then she raises a hard-rock hand gesture and says, "Ovulate!" The screen flashes pink, and the three witches are gone. They're not down with public transportation. Clark struggles against his chains. Jason -- who has no real reason to be there -- comes in and finds Clark strung up. It's remarkably not gay. See? I told you. Countess Lana went and stole all The Gay. It'll be weeks before we can get a fresh supply here. Jason, who looks pretty beat up himself, unhooks Clark's chains. He asks if Clark is all right, and what happened: "Did Lana do this to you?" Clark says that the three girls are together and aren't themselves, and that their bodies seem to have been taken over. Jason says that's exactly what's up. He explains about Lana's Countess research. Jason says they have to destroy the book. He asks if Clark knows where they might have gone. He lies and says that Jason should check the school. Clark says he plans to go to The Talon. Jason, cool guy that he is, tells Clark to call on his cell if he finds them. He doesn't want Clark to have to face them alone. Would that he knew what a Big Dumb Liar he's dealing with.

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Smallville

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