Smallville
Spell

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Next on Charmed...er, "Smallville..."

The Caves of Contrivance. Countess Lana puts her hand on the shaft-n-balls symbol on the cave wall. She now understands why she was transported here and to this time, "a thousand leagues from my home." At least she wasn't transported 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea! (It's funnier if you say it in a Phil Hartman-as-Charlton Heston voice.) Countess Lana asks her girls if they feel it calling to them. They seem to be feeling something. Probably just a nice sub-skirt draft. Countess Lana gives an endless speech about their powers and how they'll be gods on earth, blabbity blah blah blah powerstonecakes. God, is this ever boring. Countess Lana opens her book to a page showing the three symbols of power. She incants: "Morbid Paisano!" The cave fissure opens. Light spills forth. Maybe fifth, even. The three of them chant as they step forward. This has gone from merely bad to supremely annoying. The entrance glows white as they walk through it.

Inside the cave. The nice round tablet table holds the piece they seek. Countess Lana can't shut up about how great and awesome this is and how all their troubles are over with. Maddie-Chloe tells Countess Lana to hurry up and take it already. Instead of just grabbing it, like a sane witch, she speechifies long enough for Clark to show up. We hear a gun cock. "Not quite," he says. He's standing in the cave holding a shotgun. I've seen some stupid moments on this show, but this -- Superman trying to intimidate witches who've stolen his powers with a shotgun? I think the bar has been lowered far below the point where anyone could hope to limbo under it. Countess Lana is like, "Oh. A shotgun? Really?" The witches agree he's a silly man. Countess Lana says they were going to let him live. But now? Not so much. She gestures and the shotgun goes flying. She asks Clark to bear witness to the dawn of a new age. The Age of Crap! One with no Gay for anyone! Bwah ha ha ha ha! She grabs for the relic. It glows bright and burns her hand. Ow! Except that the special effect takes a tiny bit too long to catch up to her reaction. Clark dives and catches the metallic piece. He stands, and his chest is full of bright orange light. Chesty! Countess Lana looks worried. I guess Clark's got his powers back. Yawn. Maddie-Chloe asks how that's possible. "I'm not from around here," says Clark. Countess Lana says they can just take his powers again. How does Thursday at 2:30 sound? Clark eyejaculates on the spell book, causing it to go all bright. One of the symbols in the book catches fire. Countess Lana screams. The room goes white. We go to commercials.

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Smallville

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