Smallville
Spell

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Next on Charmed...er, "Smallville..."

By the tinkling in my scrote, something goofy here of note: Countess Lana is using her newly acquired Witchcraft Chemistry Kit 2000 Pro, which she must have put on her second, newly acquired credit card, to make some nasty yerba. She's got candles, pots, funky tubes, and a mortar and pestle. Somebody really needs to introduce this seventeenth-century witch to the latter-day magic of KitchenAid products. "Hair of two virgins," Countess Lana says. Explease me? She has a list of objects, most of which are already crossed out. Like ta hear it? Heah' it goes: "Wings of a bat." Yeah, I’m sure the pet store was real cool with that. "Disemboweled Mexican high-tail bats? Sure, we keep those in the back." "Salamander tails." Well, you can find those in any reputable bookstore. "Petals of a rose." That's mostly just for decoration. "Fungus." That's to remind us of dental hygiene in the 1600s. "Cloves." Sure, why not. "Hair of two virgins." Good luck finding that in 2004. The rest of the list: "TV Guide back issues, 1993-1997," "Herbal Essence Shampoo (Strawberry)," "Ben & Jerry's: Chunky Monkey," "Eye of Forrest Whitaker," "Tongue of Joan Rivers," "Semen of a randy producer (Just kidding! That's already in there!)." Pomegranate is also on the list. Pomegranates rule. Countess Lana says, "We've been a good little girl, haven't we?" as she plucks out a hair from Lana's head. I just placed her voice: I used to date a very attractive actress back in the day, and whenever she was out at a fancy party or wanting to get cast in a slutty/provocative role, she'd put on this airy deep actressy voice that was cool for a few minutes but was extremely grating if you were talking about, say, getting a smoothie at Jamba Juice. "Why of course! Let's to the mango smoothie," she'd say. "That would be lovely." That is exactly the voice that Kristin Kreuk is using for her Countess Lana this week. It gets old really, really fast.

Countess Lana looks at the plucked hair admiringly as a noise comes from the doorway. Countess Lana covers up her recipe as Chloe and Lois Lane walk in. "Oh, you are home! I've been calling, but no one answered," says Lois. They were just going to waltz in while she wasn't home? Chloe, in particular, has been pretty bad about not knocking lately. Chloe and Lois notice Lana's new hardware. Countess Lana says that it's for a science project. A baking soda volcano? Chloe asks what century. Countess Lana knows the word "retro" and uses it to describe how she's trying to recreate the way they did things in the 1600s. She's being retro-active. Lois remembers she left her phone in Chloe's car and wants to go get it. Chloe says she's craving an "aromatic latte," so she'll go downstairs and get it for her. So why did they come here? Lois gets after Lana, because she was supposed to take Chloe out shopping to distract her from the surprise party. Countess Lana says it must have slipped her mind. Lois tells her to get some traction: "Little Miss Reporter" can smell a ruse from a mile away. How about fungus? Countess Lana slips up behind Lois and plucks a hair from her head. "Owwww!" Lois says, turning in horror. "Oh, no, no, no," Countess Lana says, looking disappointed at the strand, "that's no good." Countess Lana says it was gray. "I don't have gray hair," says thirty-five-year-old Lois. Countess Lana gives her an "Oh really?" look. Lois is completely freaked out. She messes with her hair and says she's going to go use Lana's bathroom. Non-virgin alert! Thank goodness. Somebody on this show needs to be getting laid. Countess Lana keeps studying the hair like you would a really difficult toad. She thinks hard (tough inside that little brain) and comes up with a master stroke. Genius! We get a close-up of "hair of two virgins" on the sheet of paper.

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