Smallville
Spell

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Next on Charmed...er, "Smallville..."

Lex emerges with a bottle of wine -- a clever if pedantic vintage. Lex says it's a 1902 from some damn vineyard in some tiny-ass village. He says it'll make quite the birthday gift. Countess Lana asks what this is. This manuscript crap. Lex says it's an illuminated manuscript page. It's illuminated in neon. He says he picked it up in St. Petersburg. Before he can finish his story, Countess Lana cuts in: "You're lying." In a rare moment of being at a loss for words, Lex says, "Whut?" Countess Lana turns at him and says he knows the page's true nature, adding, "The map was not meant for you." Lex wants to know how she knew about the hidden map. "Because..." she begins. "Vanessa!" Countess Lana yells. "Semprini!" The map has disappeared. Lex asks what she just did. Countess Lana does a horizontal "Hook 'em Horns" at Lex with a tiny purple swirly ball floating between her fingers. Lex is frozen. "You seek the stones, don't you?" The stones of a farmboy? Why yes, ma'am. Countess Lana says they can't have that. She takes the bottle of wine out of Frozen Lex's hand. Countess Lana tells Lex that he was right; he does need more piano practice. She tells him to go play some more: "Infinitus." Countess Lana leaves. Lex walks robotically to the piano and starts to play. His face shows that he can't control his body and is wondering what's happening. Lex keeps playing, fast, as his eyes look worried. It's the piano lesson from hell!

Countess Lana is in the woods swirling a tall decanter. "Illuna McMuffin," she incants, "Reggae Sifuentes ignore the roots!" On the ground are three illuminated symbols, including the one from Lana's back. The decanter mixture has turned bright purple. She repeats the chant. The symbols and purple mist fade as Chloe and Lois appear. Lois asks what they're doing out on this nature hike. Countess Lana says she thought it'd be nice to get together with her girls before the party. "What party?" Chloe asks. Lois is mad that the surprise is ruined, but Chloe already knew all about it: "Oh, hello! Investigative reporter! Nothing gets past me." Chloe just can't figure out why they're playing "wood nymph" when there's a party going on. Countess Lana pulls out the wine bottle and some huge goblets to toast their special night. Chloe says that things are getting better. As Countess Lana pours, she says that no matter how much time passes, old friends are never forgotten.

The three toast and drink as lightning (and not even from the sky) suddenly flashes. It's MAD. MAD, I TELL YOU! BWAH HA HA HA HA! We hear crazy swirling sounds as the lightning increases in intensity and photo-negative flashes of Lois and Chloe are shown. Both arch their backs, and we get an overhead view of their fronts. Nice, I suppose. We return to ground level as the two of them return to their upright positions. "Madeleine?" Countess Lana asks Chloe. "Briana?" she asks Lois. "Briana"? Seriously? Countess Lana welcomes them to the twenty-first century. You'll be watching a lot of TV here. Maddie-Chloe asks how they got to be here. Countess Lana says that she cast a spell with her blood in the book that would call to her heir and allow her to take over Lana's body. Simple. "I'm gorgeous!" says Briana-Lois, who can't see herself, but still acts like a contestant on The Swan. "Lookit these!" she says, cupping Lois's breasts and pushing them up even higher than usual. "Yes. They're very nice," says Countess Lana, deadpan and vaguely annoyed. Maddie-Chloe inhales deeply: "Ah...the woods of France. I'd know them anywhere." These two girls are hilariously stupid. "We're in Kansas, Madeleine," Countess Lana says. "Where?" says Maddie-Chloe. It's in the Americas. You know, the boring continent. Countess Lana says she's not sure why she was resurrected there. She'd have preferred Daytona or maybe even Albuquerque. Maddie-Chloe asks about the book. Countess Lana says that they have it, and now they can start using their "Magics" again. They could even combine it with the power of the internets! Countess Lana says that they can continue their quest for the stones. "Is that the same quest that got us burned at the stake?" Maddie-Chloe asks. "That was not pleasant!" says Briana-Lois, and it's very funny. Countess Lana says that's a small price to pay on the road to power. She tells her charges to use their "host memories" to navigate this place and seize the power. The witches smile their witchy smiles. Yeah! Seize the power. That sounds awesome!

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Smallville

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