Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | 1 USERS: F

Chloe, with running mascara and an ax to grind (ha, I totally just made that up; did you like it?), walks into the school's boiler room. Watch out for Freddy Krueger! The camera swoops and explores as Chloe rounds a corner and goes straight toward the furnace. She sees a sign that reads, "Flammable." It's got a Half-Life-looking valve. She picks up her ax and swings at the pipe. It pours out black oil. Texas tea, we call it. But really, even we Texans prefer Lipton. Chloe tosses the ax aside, brushes off her hands, and goes toward the furnace. She opens the unlocked furnace door and says, "You're all going to pay." Chloe picks up a mop, swings it into the furnace, and sets it alight. The janitor -- never one for safety -- was mopping the floors with kerosene. The mop is on fire. "Now that's what I call a torch," Chloe says, grinning. Gah. That's what I call a crappy line. She rears back, and then tosses the flaming mop towart the spilled oil. "Genius!" Chloe says. Is it? Is it really? It's no Theory of Relativity, I tell ya whut. Opening credits.

Commercials. Ice Cube is XXX. I thought that was Snoop Dogg with the Girls Gone Wild thing. Also, how many times have I seen that Edge gel "Francesco!" commercial with the horny foreign girl? Don't they cycle these things out after a few months?

A title card reads, "One Day Earlier." Ah, I see now. The promo department meant to say, "Before the Prom" as the tag for this episode. High-school hallway. Alternacrap music plays as the banner committee works on that "Look to the Stars" banner and...hey, why are they working on it when it's already hung up? Shouldn't you be painting that on the ground? So that's their secret! Hang first, paint later. It's so crazy it Chloe and Lana are walking down the stairs. Lana is reading an article from The Torch, written by Chloe. It talks about the election of prom royalty being an archaic ritual whose time has come and gone. They still elect prom royalty? Lana says that Chloe has struck again. Well, what do you want? She's been struck upon for four seasons now. Chloe hopes she didn't lose Lana to the TRL crowd, too. Lana says, not inaccurately, that prom rituals seem harmless compared to Chloe's usual targets. Chloe, very inaccurately, says that homecoming is for jocks, graduation is for parents, and prom is for "the rest of us." You mean the "rest of us" that includes gay teens, single teens, pregnant teens, and the dance-challenged? Thanks for abandoning us, Chloe. I, as a former pregnant teen mom, am officially offended. Chloe says it's the pinnacle of four years of memories; why, she asks, should it be ruined by the epitome of a popularity contest? What else are the popular kids gonna have after this? Running car dealerships and raising five kids (four within wedlock)?

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