On his quest to track down and capture escaped Phantom "Zoners," Clark travels to Seattle (er, Seattle, British Colombia?) to investigate a case of sailors and dock workers who literally had the bones sucked out of them. Anyhoo, Clark poses as a medical student (ha!) then a coroner (ha ha!) to find clues. The culprit is a giant dude with sweet fronts who is pulling the bones out and drinking the delicious marrow. Mmm, bone marrow (drool).... Clark tries his crest on the thug, but it turns out it doesn't work because the guy's not a phantom. Before Clark can get his ass kicked further, someone else attacks the Zoner, killing him. It's a giant green dude in a cape who eats Oreos. I don't want to ruin it, but...Martian Manhunter! In the other storyline, Lex is transformed into an electronic frequency by a former resident of Floor 33.1, a KryptoVillain who is trying to expose the secret lab. As Lex is stuck in his frequency, he can see and hear Lana, but she can't see or hear him. Much lovey-dovey "I miss you! I love you!" sentiments are exchanged as Lana tries to get him back. She spills the beans about being pregnant. Lex is thrilled because he wuvs Lana. And she wuvs him, too. Jimmy busts out his dad's old radio equipment to pick up the frequency (Kenneth) and the KryptoVillain is killed by Lex and a knife in a decidedly old school way. Lana tells Lex she's cool with the evil things that may or may not have happened in Floor 33.1. Papa Luthor moves the lab while Lex is all static and afterward demands to be made a partner in the experiments as a condition of sharing the new location. Lex, moved beyond all reason by Lana's deep and sudden love for him, decides to get his woo on. He brings Lana into his office, which is full of candles and flowers, and proposes to her with a very expensive ring. Pregnancy. A wedding proposal. I think the last ingredient for jumping the shark is The Great Gazoo.
This episode is all that stands between me and a three-week break. So, bring it on, Smallville. I'm not afraid of you or your caption-less broadcast. (By the way, thanks to Scott for sending me the closed caption text via his HDTV computer set-up. Obviously, his science is way tight.)
Stately Luthor Manor at night. According to a bedside clock, it's past midnight. The camera pans across a dark room where Lana lies in bed, eyes open. It's past Thanksgiving. Shouldn't she be hibernating by now? There's a soft knock at the door. Someone opens it. Wow, those are beautiful French doors. I wonder if the rest of the castle is this nice. I wonder if we'll ever know.
Lex comes in. Lana pulls back her lip in what could be a mild smile or vague discomfort. It could even be gas. Lex strides over and asks, "What are you doing awake?" Dude, you're the one who knocked. He asks what's wrong. Lana says that she has a lot on her mind. You know. Pink. Aliens. Pregnancy. The billions of dollars at her disposal. I suppose that might keep someone awake at night. "Does it concern us?" Lex asks, sounding very worried. Lana shakes her head a tiny bit. Lex comes closer. He says he knows Lana has had her doubts and has wondered if she can trust Lex. He gives Lana his word that she can, and says he'll always be there for her. When the rain starts to fall. Like he's been there before. 'Cause he's there for you, too. "Always," says Lex, creeping Lana out. "I know," she weakly whispers, smiling wanly. This is where, if it were my wife, I'd say, "Get up, woman! We're going to Whataburger for some milkshakes!" That always seems to work. Not sensing that this is going anywhere, Lex says that Lana has no idea how much she means to him. She's just so, so amazing. Goddamn, I am in awe and so totally jealous of Lex for scoring such a catch. He's a billionaire, but somehow he managed to find the absolute perfect unemployed woman of his dreams in a small town in Kansas. Lucky devil. It's practically TomKatian. Lana looks very pained. Lex finally gets the message: "In an ideal world, I was looking for some sort of response, but...it's okay. It's late. We're both tired."
Lex starts to walk out. Lana says, "Lex," but is cut off by a very loud siren. Three guys with flashlights and guns suddenly bust into the room. Damn, what if Lex had been getting his groove on at that moment? How mortifying! "There's been a breach!" one of them tells Lex. "If only," Lex thinks. This must be a great security team: it took them six whole seasons to get to the mansion. "What's the code?" Lex asks. "142," the guard tells him. Lana asks what that means. It was the position he was going to try before they were so rudely interrupted. Lex says that everything will be fine. The room is bathed in red light now, as if someone invited Roxanne over.