Smallville

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C | 4 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Maybe We Could Call Her 'The Tit'

Sewing machine. Fake leather is being sewed. Stiletto-heeled leather boot. It is being zipped up. It's a thigh-high boot. Lois is putting on a funky, shiny pleather vest. She puts one of her boots up on a chair to wipe it with a cloth. Generic industrial hero music is playing. Lois puts on a 29-cent black plastic mask, the kind they used to sell with Lone Ranger costumes if you were five years old. She looks in the mirror. Wow, that is not a good look. She looks about 10 years older. She smiles, for some odd reason. I guess you can actually go from hero to zero. And into negative numbers.

Fake commercials. Denny's is giving away more free food, but really, what's the price of indigestion?

A Metropolis alley. Jimmy, carrying his camera, is calling out for Lois. He says that he can't be late for work. Lois, in her ridiculous Dumb Shit costume, swings in. Literally swings in, like on an actual rope. I don't even know what the rope is attached to. Maybe a nearby jungle that we can't see. Jimmy turns around. The rope has mysteriously vanished. Lois smiles at him. Disgusted, Jimmy asks, "What are you doing?" Lois takes off her little mask. "Picking up your rebound," she says. She turns on an oscillating fan that she set up with a long orange extension cord. She puts it on a crate and turns it on. Jimmy looks up and down at Lois's crazy shiny leather head-to-toe monstrosity. He says he's flattered, but he just broke up with Chloe. Does Jimmy think this is some elaborate S&M torture sequence? Because it really is for me. "Ew, no! I mean rebound your career," Lois says. She really is not being done any favors by the makeup and hair this week. She looks like one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey right now. And not in the good, MILFy way. Lois advises that work numbs the pain of a bad breakup. Jimmy's not there to be saved, he's there for a $100 assignment Lois had mentioned. Lois stands up on a box and puts her mask back on. The inside of her cape (yes, there's a cape) is lined with what looks like silver and purple. She says she's Metropolis's newest superhero. The incidental music comes to a triumphant climax, but it's really just fucking around with her. "Incoming," she says, as she jumps off the box. Jimmy gets the hint and snaps photos. "Meet Stiletto," she says. Jimmy looks like he just met his breakfast up in the back of his mouth.

"I was gonna sew an 'S' into the chest, is that tacky?" Lois asks. [Wa wa waaaaaaaa! - Z] Jimmy is skeptical. Lois says she's not serious about cleaning up the streets, but she quoted Stiletto in the paper and she needs a photo to get her story on A1. She climbs back on the box as Jimmy takes more pictures. Jimmy calls her on her journalistic bullshit, saying he didn't see the big asterisk on her reporting rules about just making things up. Preach it. Lois doesn't really address that. She just says that unlike Jimmy, she hasn't gotten her up-close-and-personal with the Red-Blue Blur yet. She juts her chest out, posing in profile and then with her face to the front. Jimmy says the Red-Blue Blur doesn't talk to anyone. He asks why the guy would talk to Lois. Lois thinks the Red-Blue Blur might talk to Stiletto, who would in turn tout the writing prowess of Lois Lane. Just give her a year or two to put the plan in motion. She jumps one more time as Jimmy shoots, somehow avoiding breaking her ankles. She makes faces as she poses. Jimmy's done. "Good luck with that," he tells her. Now gimme my junkie money. Have I mentioned I have a medical condition involving a monkey? I could tell you the whole story, but my monkey... he is impatient. Lois says she's going to keep an eye on the police scanner to find the Red-Blue Blur. She tells Jimmy to e-mail those photos to her editor. "I'm off to talk to a real hero," she says. The music plays one more time with a flourish, mocking Lois in ways I can't do with mere text.

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Smallville

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