Smallville
Talisman

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Talisman

Two Native-American dudes (one old, one young) walk into the caves. Oh, the older one is Elder Dude from the episode with the werewolf, who told Clark all about the legend of Naman and shit. The younger guy, Jeremiah, is all upset that Luthorcorp is "defiling [their] Holy Grail," and Elder Dude tells him to cool off, because they wouldn't be able to get into the caves without Papa Luthor's permission.

The two dudes turn a corner and come upon Papa Luthor and some lackeys. What is up with Papa Luthor's hair? I mean, it's always wild and wooly, but it has reached Jon Bon Jovi in that poster I had on my bedroom wall in 1987 proportions. And that's biiiiiiig. He thanks Professor Willowbrook (formerly Elder Dude) for coming, and awkwardly says that he didn't realize Jeremiah would be there as well. You'd think Papa Luthor would just be like, "Bitch, I didn't tell you to bring no guests! Get OUT!" Professor Willowbrook introduces "Jeremiah Holdsclaw, future leader of the Kiwatche people and one of my brightest graduate students." ["'Willowbrook'? 'Holdsclaw'? Is this cave down the hill from Hogwarts or something?" -- Wing Chun] Jeremiah kind of looks like a Native-American Jonathan Taylor Thomas crossed with John Denver. Papa Luthor sticks out his hand for a shake, and Jeremiah totally disses him -- a move that only a twenty-one-year-old (or Big Tom) would think was cool. Just shake the guy's hand. No one is impressed with your big political statement. Willowbrook asks to see the artifact Luthorcorp has found. Some chick named Miriam brings over a tray holding a baguette-shaped rock. Willowbrook picks it up, and Jeremiah pops a boner and blurts out that the artifact is something called "palac." Willowbrook is like, "Way to give up the goods, shorty." Papa Luthor wants to know what that means, and Willowbrook says that it's "ancient traditional cookware," like that would make Jeremiah so excited. Papa Luthor asks Jeremiah what he thinks, and Jeremiah poorly lies that Willowbrook is right, but that they should take it back to the museum to study it. Papa Luthor isn't having that. Jeremiah panics and snatches the artifact from Willowbrook. Papa Luthor asks Willowbrook to get it back. Willowbrook tells Jeremiah, "You're embarrassing me." Hee!

Jeremiah says that everything in the cave belongs to the Kiwatche, and he picks up a rock and smashes open the artifact. Light starts pouring out, Jeremiah starts moaning and groaning, and eventually he ends up holding a small knife with a glowing blade. Also, in that process, Jeremiah's giant round John Denver glasses were knocked off, so now he looks more like a cross between JTT and Dean Cain. Get it? His glasses were knocked off, and now he's a different person? Sound like anyone we know? Papa Luthor demands that Jeremiah give him the knife. Jeremiah backhands Papa Luthor, who goes flying through the air and takes down two lackeys. Awesome! Three different lackeys take out guns and start shooting at Jeremiah, like, don't you think that was a slightly extreme reaction? He knocked someone down. Shoot him in the head! Doesn't really matter, because the bullets hit Jeremiah, but have no effect. Everyone in the cave is confused and stunned, including Jeremiah. When he realizes what just happened, he stands up and superspeeds right out of the cave. Papa Luthor recovers and barks, "Find him! And bring me that knife!" Willowbrook looks around the cave and sees an ancient symbol of a being with two heads, one red and one blue. And credits.

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Smallville

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