Chloe, doing her best Veronica Mars narration, tells us the story of her disastrous internship interview with The Daily Planet's Pauline Kahn (a very sharp Carrie Fisher), who rubs Chloe's old high-school column in her face and dismisses her before telling her the only thing that'll get her attention is Chloe finding her a story. Cue the vampires! No, really. Lana, who has decided to go to Metropolis U., figured that the only way she can get affordable housing near campus is to join a sorority. That's Lana logic for you. Anyway, the sorority is full of lesbionic vampires who, like, kiss each other and stuff! Rock! Lana is given the bloody kiss, and soon she's copping attitude with Clark, dancing with strange boys, and regenerating when she breaks her back. Now Lana not only has a spine -- she can regrow it! Chloe and Clark, of course, bust up the party, but not before Chloe is once bitten by Lana. Clark takes Chloe to the hospital and discovers, through Professor SoFine, that the vampire symptoms are linked to a LuthorCorp research project involving vampire bats. Lex has a cure and shares it with Clark, but not before the Kryptonite-tainted wonder drug weakens Clark enough that he's bitten by Lana and taken back to the LesboLair. But Lana's high-school love prevails, and even though she got a taste of Clark's powers, she just thinks it means he's a good boyfriend. Everyone's happy, Lana and Chloe are cured, and Chloe has a story to get her that internship at The Planet. Lex, meanwhile, tussles with Professor SoFine on a verbal level. But when Lex sends a henchman to follow SoFine, they end up at the lab containing the spaceship. SoFine does a T-1000 and creates a metal pike from one of his fingers that stabs the guy. So, if you're thinking about disagreeing with the professor in class, I'd just keep that hand down.
We begin at The Daily Planet, if the heavily CGIed spinning globe atop the building bearing its name is to be trusted. Whoa! It's Carrie Fisher all of a sudden. She sits behind a desk with Tina Fey glasses and very poofy lips, but all is forgiven as soon as she opens them because she delivers some very crisp, fantastic line readings which is more than I can say for a few of the regulars around here. She tells the person across from her that normally she wouldn't waste time on a college freshman groveling for an internship. Chloe, dressed up very nicely in a business suit and across from "Ms. Kahn" (soon to be "Kaaaahhhhnn!"), thanks her. Kahn immediately calls for "Bitterman," one of her lackeys and, I'm assuming after seeing the rest of this scene, a bitter man. The young man enters and is asked where his piece on Senator Jennings is. He stutters that he's typing it up. "I don't see your fingers moving," Kahn tells him curtly. Yeah, because you just called him in, lady. She tells him he's got twenty minutes or they'll be twiddling over the want ads. Bitterman goes off to the extras snack table. Kahn asks where she was. "The internship," Chloe reminds her. "Oh, right right right -- you didn't get it," Kahn tells her. Chloe is surprised, and asks why she's there. Kahn says it was out of curiosity. She reminds Chloe of her deep, dark secret: she had a high-school column in the Planet that Papa Luthor helped her score. Kahn says it's quite an accomplishment to have a byline when you're "practically still in diapers." Dammit. I didn't get mine until after I was toilet-trained. Always a step behind. Kahn says that most "real reporters" struggle for years before getting that chance. Chloe, sensing something's amiss, says, "Thanks." Kahn tricked Chloe. She tells Chloe not to thank her -- she should thank Papa Luthor for arm-twisting the old chief editor into dropping Chloe's "juvenile pabulum" into the paper. Ouch. Chloe defends herself (or tries to) by saying she didn't ask Papa Luthor to do that. Kahn says she didn't turn it down, either. Kahn says that Chloe must have pissed off Papa Luthor because he got her fired. "I remember that day," Kahn says, drinking what looks like Coke poured from a pitcher. "I believe we had cake." Cold-blooooooded! Chloe speechifies that she's not expecting to score a column and just wants a chance to work from the bottom without any help. Chloe says that being a part of this world (of the newspaper) has always been a dream for her. "Well, we all have to wake up sometime, don't we, Sullivan?" Kahn says smoothly. She reminds Chloe that they don't validate parking. She puts on her glasses to read something and ignore Chloe while our teen reporter looks heartbroken.