I'm getting really sick of car commercials that look like they're set in a Harry Potter movie or a Björk video. Just show us the damn car -- don't pretend it's a transport to a mystical forest of Elvin magic. You're a Honda Civic, not the goddamned One Ring.
The Talon, daytime. The American flag is waving a bit. Inside, Lana is in her apartment, clearing things from her very nice teal-colored bookshelves. There's a knock at Lana's door, and we hear Clark, muffled, say, "Singing telegram!" from the other side. Lana opens the door and they kiss. Clark brought her a big cup of coffee, but he says he obviously came to surprise himself because, what the fuck, Lana? Clark regards all her stacked dishes and organized clutter. Lana says that this is packing. Lana's leaving for college. She says she got a late acceptance letter to Met U. And this is how Clark finds out? How often does she see him? This wasn't worth a phone call? Why won't my brain stop? Clark asks, fairly, why Lana didn't tell him she was applying. Yeah, what happened to "College ain't for me" Lana? What the fuck? Lana says she didn't want to get her hopes up since she applied too late. Lana is the girlfriend who just one day tells you she's moving to Milwaukee to join a band or that her grandmother has cancer and then you later find out she got pregnant cheating on you and is going to live with relatives who don't really give a shit. Not that that ever happened to me. Clark says that, with Lana's grades, they'd be crazy not to accept her. Yeah, and with all those extra-curriculars, like...uh...dropping cheerleading to work at a coffee place. I'm still not convinced Lana ever set foot in a classroom after sophomore year. Lana complains, without apologizing, that there aren't even any dorm rooms left, so she's not sure where she'll live. "Where're you gonna stay?" Clark mopes. Lana says she can't crash with Chloe, so she thinks she'll try a sorority; that's the only shot at housing near campus she's got. Oh, that's just such utter bullshit. Sororities, to my dumb male mind, are incredibly expensive and, seriously, that's your housing solution? Clark suggests that Lana go to Central Kansas University, which has lots of housing left. Lana, who looks like Clark just suggested a greasy pork sandwich served on a dirty ashtray, says that the school has Clark, and, you know, that's not good enough because the classes suck. But thanks. Lana says she's really interested in Astronomy. Clark is going to a school that doesn't offer an astronomy class? Wow, that's boneheaded. Lana says it won't be that bad. They'll talk to each other on the phone all the time. They can have phone sex. Just get some lessons from Kate Winslet. Lana promises nothing will change between them as soft music plays. Smiles all around. So who's going to live at The Talon? Why doesn't Clark move in? ["Or Lois, since she already freaking works there?" -- Wing Chun]