Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
For The Love Of Ratings

Inside, it's a white-people party. What's a Carlos gotta do to score some hip hop or reggaeton around here? Chloe explains that Carlos starts with a "C." She asks if the cape Clark is wearing isn't a bit much. "I kind of like it," Clark says. "It's not too bad." He complains about the mask, though, and says it keeps sliding around. Chloe spots Lana grind-dancing with some dude in an ugly black vest. Chloe distracts Clark before he can notice. It's not like he has super-vision or super-hearing or anything like that to help him find out for himself. She tells Clark to poke around upstairs while she searches on the first floor. Lana bares her teeth and is about to bite the guy's neck in front of everyone. "Lana!" Chloe calls, pulling her away before Lana can do that. The guy, in a cowboy hat, wonders what's going on. "Go play with your six-shooter," Chloe tells him. She says she and the kitty cat need to have a talk. Indeed, Lana is dressed as a black cat.

Clark is upstairs. He's flipping through someone's scrapbook and finds a newspaper clipping. The headline reads, "High-school senior survives bat attack in cave." It's a photo of a girl, though, not Bruce Wayne. And the girl is Queen Tart. Clark's superhearing lets him down again as he slams some drawers shut and is surprised by Queen Tart walking into the room. She's wearing a red latex devil's outfit and asks what Clark is doing there. He's not wearing his mask. He lies that he was looking for the bathroom. "Woohoo, hot tub!" some people yell as they run into the room. Dumb-asses. It's outside and in the back, not on the second floor. I don't live here and even I know that. Queen Tart turns back toward Clark, but he's gone in a whoosh. The camera zooms to a toy vampire bat hanging by the window. Oh, for clunk's sake.

Chloe pulls Lana aside and asks what's wrong with her. Lana says she's having fun, and that Chloe should try it sometime. I sort of agree, sadly. Chloe asks what would have happened if Clark had seen Lana with that guy. She reminds Lana that Clark cares about Lana more than anything. Lana steps away and angrily says that Chloe sure knows how to ruin a party. It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes Lana's face ache. And her friends turn on her! Chloe's behaving just the way Clark did. Do you think the producers made a mistake, sharing Lana's brain between her and Lois? Chloe insists that this isn't Lana. Isn't that what everyone's going to be telling Rory in next week's Gilmore Girls? Chloe tells Lana that she wouldn't normally hurt Clark like this. Lana gets a bit emotional and apologizes to Chloe. But what she really apologizes for is what she's about to do. She walks fast to Chloe and bares her fangs, hissing. Chloe holds out a crucifix from around her neck. "Oh, sweetie," Lana says, trying to channel Kim Cattrall, "this isn't a movie." If it were, I would have been done recapping it five hours ago. Chloe screams as Lana goes for her neck. We freeze and go to a not-quite-white-out.

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