Smallville
Tomb

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
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Ghost Bad

On the other side of the door, Lois hears the scream. She walks into the unlocked bathroom wielding a flashlight. Lois flashes her light on Chloe, who is sitting on the floor, looking worried. "Help me!" Chloe whimpers. Lois? Really? That's whom you're going to for help? Good luck with that. The music amps up. Lightning flashes. The camera pans down from Chloe's face to her wrists. They are slit. We go straight from that to opening credits. Did Chloe think they were singing "somebody flay me"?

Commercials. One of our cats, Diego, looks exactly like an old Chinese man around the face. He's got long white whiskers and very wizened eyes. We sometimes call him "Mr. Chan." So whenever that Pepsi commercial with Jackie Chan comes on where Jay Mohr goes, "Mr. Chan!" I play it really loud so Diego can hear.

The chessboard tile of Smallville Medical Center, my old nemesis. Where were you, hospital, when Bo died? Where were you when Lana Lang pretend-died? It's all very suspicious, Smallville Medical Center. J'accuse! I'm keeping my eye on you. I guess I fucking have to. Clark walks in from remedial "Keeping it Interesting with your Acting Choices" class. He asks Lois about Chloe. She's standing next to a very shady-looking guy with a dark sports jacket and a gray turtleneck. He's up to no good! In a lugubrious, yet turgid voice, the man next to Chloe says that's just what they were trying to determine. "And you are...?" he asks Clark. A douche? An asshat? A Big, Dumb Alien? Really, Clark, you have so many options for an answer. Clark introduces himself. The man in the turtleneck says he's Dr. Seidel, but I hear it as "Slidell" and go listen to some Lucinda Williams for a little while. Lois says that Dr. Turtleneck is Chloe's psychiatrist. Well, he's doing a bang-up job. Lois, who had enough time to glop on some makeup, tells Clark that she found Chloe on the bathroom floor. She'd cut her wrists. "What?" Clark says. She said CHLOE CUT HER WRISTS! Lois guiltily says that she should have seen it coming. She says that Chloe hasn't been sleeping much, between classes and her shifts at The Daily Planet. Yeah, I was wondering how she was coping with those twenty-hour nights. "Is there any history of mantle illness?" the doctor purrs. Clark, go check Chloe's mantle for termites! Lois says there's no history of mental illness, and that if there were bats in the family belfry, she'd know. "Fine," says Dr. Turtleneck. Oh, it's so, so fine. He says that gives him somewhere to start. I don't think he's even listening. Dr. Turtleneck calls for an orderly. It's a cadaver that lives! These are the two creepiest guys I think we've ever seen together on the show. Clark asks the doctor why Chloe would to this to herself. Why don't you know, Clark? The doctor says it's a combination of family history, stress, and the loss of a loved one. I thought you just ruled out family history. "Sometimes," Turtleneck says, through liters of phlegm, "a person has a secret they feel they can't share." Like what the bad people did to the doctor's neck. He says that, whatever it is, he will uncover something. "And I'll treat it aggressively," he threatens. He's got lots of torture devices for whatever mental illness ails ya. Awkward stares. I think the scene's over, guys. You can relax.

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Smallville

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