We open on Clark Kent, Kansas farmboy, part-time superhero, and Advocate cover subject, bending over in his field of Lex's dreams. "31! 42!" Clark hikes. "Mooo!" a big black cow says. I'm not kidding. That's exactly what happens. Clark is doing another of his one-man football games, and it's getting to be more than a little sad. He completely misunderstood when he heard the phrase "fantasy football league." Clark does a fake-handoff to one imaginary boyfriend, then turns and passes to another imaginary boyfriend. "Kisses, running backs!" The defensive line is a row of cows who wish Clark would get the fuck off of their grazing area. Clark passes the pigskin and the football smashes into a hanging wooden bucket full of water. It explodes spectacularly (and not in CGI), but you have to wonder if this tiny moment of imaginary glory was worth breaking a perfectly good hanging wooden bucket. The black cow yells, "Moo -- my water, you DICK!" Clark lifts his arms in triumph. "And the crows take the state championship! HA HA!" I am embarrassed on behalf of Clark. He is a lonely, lonely boy.
As Clark is celebrating, Bo Duke and Assistant Coach (and American Idol judge in his free time) Jason Teague walk up behind him. Jason applauds and tells Clark that it's good to visualize victory like that. Have I already said how cool this guy is? Because I don't know a single person who wouldn't be mercilessly mocking Clark right now, myself included. Clark sheepishly says that he was just practicing, but he doesn't seem ashamed or anything. What kind of heartland parents forget to teach their male model-looking boy shame? Jason says that it's good that Clark is getting his imagination on, because the coach from Metropolis University is going to be watching the Smallville game Friday night. Doesn't that guy have his own game to coach that weekend? Jason says that the guy is coming to check out the new star quarterback. Clark can't believe it. Jason says he never kids about football. Now, if you were to bring up, say, rabbis or loose women, he's got a million of 'em. Clark starts to gush about how great that is when we hear a sudden piercing sound, something out of my chalkboard nightmares. Clark doubles over and holds his hands to his ears. Jason asks mildly if Clark is all right. Clark just continues to cup his hands over his ears, and runs away. Bo thanks Jason for stopping by and runs after his son. Jason rubs his chin and thinks, "What kind of fucked-up mess did I get myself into? My girlfriend is a humorless priss and my lead quarterback is mildly retarded. Why the fuck did I leave Paris?"