Smallville

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Omar G: B+ | Grade It Now!
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In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

In case you haven't heard, we have some new management on board at this site. Of course, as soon as I got the news, I had the same question you might have and it was addressed in a very quick phone call:

Omar: Are you going to make me take all the gay out of my recaps?
New Bravo/TWoP bosses: How gay are we talking here?
Omar: Well, you never know with this show. Sometimes it's not gay for a long time. Like Spike TV. Other times, it comes back around in full force. Like a Project Runway marathon.
New Bravo/TWoP bosses: Just keep doing what you're doing. Did you have any other questions?
Omar: Will there be delicious cupcakes every morning?
New Bravo/TWoP bosses: Were there cupcakes before?
Omar: Not really.
New Bravo/TWoP bosses: Then no.
Omar: Aw.

But enough cupcake politics. We begin on the Metropolis skyline at night. Papa Luthor is at his LuthorCorp desk staring intently as a set of papers that someone was nice enough to three-hole-punch. Papa Luthor takes his fancy pen and writes on the sheets, "Please, God, just one more season, please. Renovating a Manhattan apartment is freakin' expensive!" Papa's assistant, whom we can't see, hands over a piece of paper and says, "You've received another one, sir." Damn that Ed McMahon and his pesky publishers and their clearinghouses! Will they never stop! Papa takes the card as if it's a ticking time bomb. He tells the assistant that he doesn't need any more help for tonight. The envelope has a familiar maroon wax seal on it with a fancy "V." I know it's for "Veritas," but it would also be nice if it was an invitation for John Glover to come perform in The Vagina Monologues. I would pay cash money to see that. Papa drops his pen nervously. He picks up a swordy letter opener and violates the envelope. He reads the card within, but we can't see the text. Papa Luthor breathes deeply and warily. We cut to a view of him from outside his office window. As opera music is playing, he stares out into the night. He looks to the stars.

The music continues as we see the same blanket of night over Kent Farm. We pan across to reveal the inside of the dark Barnness of Nonilluminatitude. Clark is walking up to the loft. He turns on a lamp and opens a desk drawer. He finds a book and opens it. Inside is an octagon-shaped hole cut out with the Octagonal Disc of Fortress Visiting lying inside. Clark forgot why he came up here. Oh yeah! Octagon! Nearby, we see the shapes of shadows lurking about. Clark hears something. He starts walking toward the stairs. Doesn't see anything. "Lana?" he calls. A green string flies toward Clark and stabs him in the chest. It's a Taser string! And not just that, it's green. A Kryptonite Taser! Genius! Don't tase him, bro! They totally do. Some Patton Oswalt-looking dude in a black cap punches Clark in the face while the green Taser cord is still locked on Clark's chest. Patton Lite punches Clark and they both fall down, knocking over the railing and landing on the ground level of the barn. Clark pulls out the Taser spear from his chest. It glows bright green and looks like a tiny harpoon. Clark staggers to his feet. He throws Patton across the room just as the guy was reaching for his giant Super Soaker-like Taser gun. Into his wristwatch walkie-talkie, Patton says, "Bring him down." Who knows why the dude was trying to take out Clark by himself in the first place, but his buddies show up wearing Rainbow Six gear. Curly Taser cords start flying at Clark from all directions, tagging him all over the torso. We'll tear your soul apart! Or at least your shirt! He clenches his fists and looks up at the sky as the camera pulls back. Nooooo, brooooo! Suddenly, Batman's giant tank SUV shows up and more soldiers come out to attack Clark. He falls to his knees as bright lights shine at him from all directions. Not-Patton Oswalt comes up to Clark, grabs him by the hair on the back of his head and looks straight at him. "I can see why they want you," he says. Whoa! This may be the earlier Gayest Look of the Episode we've ever had. Patton is clearly infatuated and wanted some alone time with Clark before the whole military squad showed up. Sorry your quickie got ruined, dude. He kicks Clark in the face because he can't kiss him. Clark lies on the ground, all scuffed up. "Target acquired," the guy says into his radio, which is a separate device from his wristwatch communicator. And what a pretty target it is.

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Smallville

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