Someone is lighting about 5,000 candles. Must be Lana. Lana is in her above-Talon apartment wearing what appears to be a castoff nightshirt from Frontier House. Seriously, could she be any more Laura Ingalls Wilder up in this beeyatch? Jason appears at the slightly open door and knocks softly. Lana blows out her long match and takes a deep breath before turning to face him. Is that John Goodman's shirt, Lana? Jeez! "You're early," she tells Jason. Yeah, and she's late for Little House on the Prairie. Jason says he got her message; it sounded like an emergency, so he came as soon as he could. To find Ma Kettle over here. Lana says this isn't exactly how she planned it. In her fantasy, there were koala bears and an Easter Bunny.
Jason closes the door. He ignores my psychic message to him not just to run, but to kick Lana in the gut as he goes, to slow her down. Lana says she wants Jason to look her in the eye and say that he doesn't love her. Here, Jason, let me. "NO LOVE!" Jason shrugs. Lana whispers that then there's no good reason why they shouldn't be together. I have one good reason: Lana. Lana starts to unbutton her ungodly huge manshirt from the stomach up. Jason is like, "Urk!" He stops her. Oh praise merciful Jesus. Jason says he'd love for this to happen...but it can't. At least not with her. And not like this. He likes stirrups. "Maybe his herpes flared up," my wife suggests as she passes by. That's why I love her, folks. Luckily, my wife's herpes are totally under control. Lana, age seven, says she thought he broke up with her...you know...because he did all for the nookie. The nookie! The nookie! Jason is suddenly in the Weird Girl-Child Zone and he ums and aws appropriately. Lana shakes her head. Jason says he hasn't been completely honest. Foreground/background shot. Lana thinks there's someone else. No, not really. Then what's up? Jason says he doesn't think they met by accident. He thinks his mother arranged it. Lana asks how that's possible. Jason says his mom was the one who convinced him to go to Paris in the first place and promised him he'd meet someone there. He brings up the tattoo and Isabel's tomb and the spell book and Lana's bad dream. I keel over from exhaustion at all those memories. Lana says it was just a dream. Jason says maybe it was her subconscious connecting the dots. Lana is like, "The...what are dots?" Lana says that doesn't change the way she feels about him. My wife, who hasn't seen the whole episode, asks why Lana is so horny all of a sudden. Jason and Lana hug. Lana's parchment shirt rubs against Jason's clothes and catches fire. Legendary music group The Police sues for copyright infringement over the gajillion candles lit up in the apartment.