Smallville
Unsafe

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Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
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Think Unsexy Thoughts

Horny time. Crazy energy music is playing. Clark is chasing KentFan all over the room. He knocks over some trays and goblets with rose petals and other marital essentials to clear room on the bed. Clark grabs KentFan by the waist and carries her over. Kissing. Neck kissing. Clark rips off the top of KentFan's dress. Scandalous! She'll soon be outraged by this beast among men! She puts her shoe on his chest and kicks him back so he's sitting on a leopard-print chair. She's down to her corset, garters, panties and stockings. All white. All right. She jumps on his lap, straddling him again as they kiss. She gets up and Clark makes out with her against a column. This is like...hot, people. I'm not even joking. This whole season has been pretty hot and heavy, huh? Clark rips off the corset. Oh I get it. This is the video for Devo's "Whip It." Man, more kissing. Clark leans in, and KentFan disappears in a green mist. She reappears on the bed, behind a pillow. She waves to him and then bites her nail. It's kind of coquettishly creepy. Clark superzips to the bed, and there's more making out. She tells him she loves him so much. "I know how you feel," he says. No, literally. He's been pawing her all day. As Clark starts to get going, she tells him to wait. Clark says, "We don't have to wait, we're married." I make a mental note to take Clark aside later and tell him a thing or two about marriage. She tells him, as he goes at her neck, that she wants this to be right. She unclasps the necklace. "I want all of you," she says, as they keep kissing.

Clark's eyes suddenly go red and the music goes all serious. "What did you do to me?" Clark asks suddenly. His boner goes, "Shriiiiiiiink." "Don't be mad," says KentFan. Clark asks how she knew about the red Kryptonite. She says she knows everything about him. Even about the "Shriiiiiiiink." KentFan says they were meant to be together. "You...you drugged me," Clark says shakily. He gets out of bed and pulls back his hair. She says she didn't know what to do; she couldn't stay in town and she didn't want to leave without him. Clark looks horrified. I'm not going to get into the whole date rape debate here. Just making a note that the debate exists on whether what she was doing was akin to that. But her goal here wasn't really sex; it was to be Clark's girlfriend. And I think that would have happened even without the red rock. The sex? Who knows. Like I said, I'm staying out of that one. KentFan suggests that she was trying to get Clark to listen to his heart instead of his head, for once. Clark angrily says that KentFan doesn't even realize what she did was wrong. He asks what's wrong with her. She says he could have hooked up with any girl, but he chose her. He says the rock made him do it. She yells back that she doesn't think it forces him to do things he doesn't want to do. She thinks it just dampens his inhibitions. She gets close to him. "Clark Kent got himself into this situation," she says. "Clark Kent asked me to marry him. Clark Kent brought me into this hotel room to make love to me." True dat. Clark thinks for a second, and then pulls back. "Maybe Clark Kent made a mistake." Maybe Clark Kent needs to stop getting what he keeps whining for on this show and then pushing it away. Clark puts on his shirt. KentFan says, "No, I did." She disappears in a green mist. Clark reaches for her, but she's gone. Well, Clark. Just you and me now. Waste of a room, now, isn't it? Why don't you fire up the Spank-a-Vision on the TV?

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Smallville

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