Smallville
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Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
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Think Unsexy Thoughts

Previously: Christmastime was near. I had at least three beers. But never fear. Soon it was New Year's. Still no episodes at which to peer. (Secretly, I said, "Hear, hear!") But no recaps means no new $$$, so with bills I was soon arrears. Now the day I feared is here. I don't really know whether to cry or cheer. So instead, I'll just focus on the sex scenes and leer.

We begin, now without rhymes, in The Talon. For some reason, we begin our journey at floor level, starting from the vendor side of the dessert counter. We pan up a few delicious-looking cakes and settle closer to boob level as a waitress picks up a frothy tri-drink order. There are pumpkin-colored cupcakes nearby. Students are getting their coffee and chat on, trying to look chummy as a heavy camera Steadicams in between their little clusters. The place is unusually packed, and teens, it would seem, just wanna have fun. I wouldn't know. I'm almost thirty, people. THIRTY! What the fuck?! This scene doesn't even look cheesy to me like it normally would. I just wanna be there among the Canadian extras drinking cold prop coffee and pretending to dance to awful temp music. Getting old is no fun. I don't recommend it. Well, except for the lower car insurance rates. That fuckin' rizzocks!

On the plus side, Clark Kent, plaid-wearing male model about town, looks to be having even less fun than me. He sits alone at a tiny table seemingly made to accommodate only one of his legs. He drinks a probably cold coffee as notes and books lie out in front of him. Two hot girls, offering options with their clothing (Tits in or tits out? You decide, Clark) come around the table and ask Clark how he's doing. He says he's trying to figure out this Trig homework. There's no way he's taking Trig. He probably meant woodworking and he has a "twig" assignment. One of the girls -- Blonde Skank (and I mean no disrespect here because while their characters may be skanky, the actresses are quite lovely in a heavily made-up way that -- never mind. I'll shut up now) -- asks if he doesn't already have a scholarship to Metropolis U. He'd better, or there'll be no Saved by the Clark: The College Years. Clark says he doesn't, but that they'll still be looking at his GPA. With a very, very large magnifying glass. The other girl (brown-haired and tits-out) says that when he's done playing with his protractor (heh), he can come to a party later. There's going to be tons of oral sex. At least, that's what Katie Couric says happens at those things. Blonde Skank says that the girl hosting the party has a hot tub. Hey, I'm almost thirty. Where the fuck is my hot tub!? ["Friends of ours bought a house last year and immediately put in a hot tub and I've never been more jealous of any two people in my entire life. Bitches." -- Wing Chun] "Really," Clark says glumly. He's doing what we horny teens used to call "dick trigonometry" in his head. The angles are awesome. Both girls are like, "Yeah!" and smiling and bobbing their heads in sleazy intimation of what will be awaiting at the hot tub. Clark says, "Thanks, but I've still got a lot of work to do here." Okay, now I see where this show falls into the sci-fi/fantasy category. The girls look crestfallen. Who are they going to fellate now? Brown-haired skank tells Clark that he should join them if he finishes. In fact, they'll help him finish if he hurries up. Clark fake-smiles as the girls get up to leave. Then he looks depressed. Fool! Coward! Superhero!

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Smallville

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