Sometimes, the writers get tired of writing Clark as a boring block of pasteurized cheese and break out the red Kryptonite. This is one of those times. Here's the short version of how it went down: Tess is "upgrading" John Corben's Kryptonite-powered heart with some primo red stuff so that he can act as her bodyguard. All the while, Zod's still been pretending to be the Blur and asking Lois to investigate Tess. This leads her to the upgrading lab where things naturally go awry because Lois is a clod, but John saves her because he's not quite as crazy as he was the last time he showed up. She returns the favor by trying to get him to safety. Clark, acting like an insecure, hypocritical douche because Lois won't tell him everything that's going on in her life, traces her whereabouts to the lab, where he accidentally inhales some red K dust. His inhibitions lowered, he knocks around Chloe for keeping a stash of Kryptonite weapons and then joins Zod for some super-powered sightseeing in Seattle. What? It was close to Vancouver! They top it off with a trip to the Fortress of Solitude, where they make googly eyes at each other for a while.
Tess's minions manage to get John back to the secret lab, where Chloe is also nosing around. Lois noses around, too, but Chloe sneakily knocks her out with chloroform to keep her in the dark. Tess and Chloe, in a grudging alliance, send John to the Fortress to save Clark once they figure out that he's totally baked. He succeeds (even though both Clark and Zod blow really, really hard on him) because his Kryptonite-powered heart weakens them. He also stabs Clark with some Kryptonite to neutralize the red stuff, and Clark's all, "Aw, poop, now I have to apologize for being a jackass!" He sets things right with Chloe, but his bromance with Zod is short-lived when Tess reveals that Clark has been sneaking around, helping the Kandorian soldiers. This leads to Zod deciding to share his blood, and this his powers, with his soldiers, who look sort of grossed out by the prospect. John, for his part, makes a romantic bid for Lois, but she's sticking with Clark, and gives him the upgraded red heart as a goodbye present.
In summary: I really miss the relatively straight-forward plots we've had for the previous two weeks.
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Tippi Blevins thinks the show needs to find its "edit" button again. You can email her at email@example.com, or find her on Twitter.
I was talking to a friend a few minutes before the episode started Friday night. He used to watch the show but gave up a long time ago. He asked if he should start watching again. I said, "It's been pretty good the last couple of weeks! You should watch it tonight!" He decided, on my recommendation, to give it a chance. I haven't heard from him since.
The show opens on a mechanical device that looks like a metal travel mug, except instead of coffee it's holding a pulsating red orb. A scientist-type guy reaches out for the device as he speaks in reverent tones: "Ladies and gentlemen, a cybertronic, self-sustaining heart." The device makes whirring and pumping noises. The scientist looks like he's about to start making out with the thing right then and there. A small assembly of white-coated colleagues follows him as he carries the heart through a high-tech lab. From somewhere off-screen, a woman's voice talks about "prepping the subject for the upgrade." The heart device is carried through a plastic curtain and into a room that glows green with an eerie light. At this point, we see through the POV of a camera as it's flicked on. Lois's face comes into focus. She's wearing glasses so I'm surprised I managed to see through her crafty disguise. "OK, my blurry, butt-kicking friend," she whispers into the camera, "you were right. Tess the uber-villainess is up to no good." This should come as a surprise to absolutely no one. Lois tucks then camera -- in the form of a pen -- into the pocket of the white lab coat she's wearing. She continues her narration, going on about how Tess is hoarding lots of "meteor rock." Tense spy music plays as Lois pushes a small medical cart through the lab, angling for the curtain. A guard blocks her path. He glances down at her name badge, which identifies her as one Hank Wu. He calls her on it and she tries to bullshit him about HR being too cheap to make her a proper badge.
Before the guard can kick her ass out of there, the scientists peer back through the curtain to see what the hubbub is about. "Get rid of her," the reverent scientist from earlier says. The guard grabs Lois. The scientists turn back to their work, but their mystery patient's bed is empty. Shackles lay broken on either side. "Oh, my God, he's gone," whispers the main scientist guy. The lab goes into lockdown mode. Alarms sound. People scurry. Lois uses the distraction to throw a few punches at the guard. This doesn't faze him, so she kicks him in the 'nads. You know, Lois, he's just doing his job. You're the one who shouldn't be there. Even though the guard is incapacitated and she could take this time to flee, she kicks him again. He goes crashing into a table. A tank falls to the floor and starts hissing gas. Lois catches sight of a nearby Bunsen burner, its flame now unattended. "Oh, God," Lois moans. She turns and runs as a fireball chases her through the doors. The guard is now either dead or doomed to be Freddy Krueger at every Halloween party for the rest of his life. The blast knocks Lois down an elevator shaft. She falls and falls into a well of darkness. After a moment, a small pulse of green light can be seen in the pitch. A whirring and mechanical pumping can be heard. At the bottom of the elevator shaft, an unconscious Lois is lying in the arms of a revived John Corben. His Kryptonite-powered heart beats as he gazes down at her. Somebody save all those flammable scientists!