Well, here we go. I'm just gonna sit down and do what I do every week...procrastinate until Saturday and then marathon a recap out 'this mutha. Yessiree. I've got my five-calorie-per-glass pink lemonade Crystal Light-imitation drink. I've got my Kameleon remote at the ready (it's set to: CBL/SAT and humming happily). Couch? Clear. Cushions? Fluffed. WB commercials and promos? Fast-forwarded.
So what do we got this week, Smallville? Bad Kryptovillain? Revelation about Clark's birth family? What can I look forward to? Let's see. First scene. Bring it on.
...WHAT?! Oh, come on. No, no, no, no, no! A hospital scene?! Did I not just swear those off? Why are you doing this to me, show? That's right. I can't even say your name right now, gay superhero show. I hate you. Don't look at me. Just...just go away. Show.
Fine. Hospital. Nighttime. Inside, we pan across some pretty old-looking hospital equipment to Bo Duke, who's asleep, tube in nose. That IV isn't going to just absorb itself, you know. Bo blinks his eyes a few times and wakes up. MamaKent and Clark -- who are sitting in the room looking bored -- suddenly spring into action. Behind Clark, an X-Ray light box is on for no reason. MamaKent and Clark come to the bed. MamaKent asks how Bo's feeling. Blink one for "Dandy," twice for "My eyes are dry." Bo asks if they're still there (yes, Bo), and says they should go home and get some rest. I guess he's already been there a while. When nobody moves, Bo sighs and tells Clark not to worry: "It's going to take a whole lot more than a heart attack to keep your old man down." That's it. He's done it! The Stupidest Bo Line Ever! What's it going to take, then? Head getting blown off? Ass cancer? Total molecular breakdown? Clark says he feels like this is his fault. He insisted on bacon grease in every meal. This is the part where parents (and Robin Williams) normally say, "It's not your fault," but instead Bo and MamaKent just exchange a look. Bo waves Clark over. Bo holds Clark's hand and tells him that there are a lot of things he can do, but that causing cardiac arrest isn't one of them. Crush your head like a bean? Yes. Fry your eyeballs with his own eyes? Yes. Throw you out of the Earth's orbit with a mighty arm swing? Sure. But a heart attack? It's just beyond him. Clark says that the last time Bo went to the doctor, he was told he had the heart of a twenty-year-old. Well, yes, but it was a hired hand named Jesse who came between Bo and the cows, and when it came down to choosing...well, let's just say the cows have the dairy-producing advantage. Clark says that vague diagnosis was given just before Clark went to Metropolis. Bo cuts him off and says that if Clark is suggesting that his biological father had anything to do with this.... "He gave you powers to bring me home that no human was meant to have," Clark says. So Bo's had the powers all this time? Or they just weakened his heart in the short time he had them? Some explanation here, maybe? No? We should move on, then? All right, whatever you say, Show. MamaKent tells Clark that there were other factors. Clark continues on his whiny trip, saying that if he hadn't put on that red Kryptonite ring, Bo wouldn't be in that bed. Bo's eyes well up with tears. "As hard as this is for you to believe," he says, "not everything that goes wrong in Smallville is Clark Kent's fault." Nope, it's Lana's. Significant looks are exchanged. Clark wonders what a Guacamole Dorito would taste like.