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Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
Vroom, Vroom, Vroom!

Clark approaches and greets Pete and Squinty Eyes Guy. Pete closes the trunk and asks Clark what he's doing there. Squinty Eyes Guy tells Clark, "Hey, nice ride, man. What does that do, like, 0 to 60 in an hour?" If you're not a racer, you're just slow, man! SLOW! We racers? We're FAST! We're fast, we outlast, get used to it! Clark is unamused and looks about fifty years old here. Squinty Eyes Guy (seriously, did he get stung by a bee?) says that if Clark ever wants to turn his "tortoise" into a "hare," Clark should give Squinty Eyes Guy a call. I thought the word "hare" had passed from popular usage around 1981. "See ya, bro," The Squint tells Pete. Pete thinks, "'Bro'? Oh, yeah! I'm black!" Squint, who's wearing some sort of reptilian alien body armor coat, goes to work on a Beamer.

"How's your dad?" Pete asks Clark. Clark is still giving Pete the Dirty Eyes. And not the nice ones. Clark says he's fine, but that Pete almost obliterated the Kent truck the night before. Clark says that his mother was driving. Pete apologizes, but smiles and says that he was in complete (comPETE!) control the whole time. Clark busts out the stern eyebrows: "At 100 miles an hour?" Pete walks into the barn/auto shop, as Clark follows, and says that Clark isn't exactly one to talk about breaking the speed limit. He says that Clark knows what it's like to move so fast nobody can touch him. For Pete, driving a fast car is as close as he'll ever get. Clark eyes the garage. There are shiny new cars, sleek rims, and posters for racing brands I've never heard of. (My brother -- who spends more time fixing up his black Tiburon than I do on my computer -- would probably recognize a lot of this stuff. Unfortunately, you're stuck with a recapper who knows as much about cars as he does Ugandan tribal etiquette. You're going to read a lot of "That one car that is blue," and "the car goes really fast, vroom vroom!" in this recap.) Clark asks Pete how long he's been doing this. Pete says he's been doing it a couple of months. Every time he'd have a line on the show, he'd duck out right afterward and get to work. Clark asks why Pete didn't tell Clark about this. Because it wasn't trendy before! And 2 Fast 2 Furious wasn't out on DVD yet, so the writers couldn't crib stuff from it for the script until now. Pete says he didn't tell Clark because Supermope would try to ground him and take away his allowance. Clark tells Pete that he could really hurt someone. Pete says he knows how to handle these cars, and that Squinty Guy is the best driver in the county. Clark says that Pete's breaking the law. "You could go to jail," Clark says. In college, my friends and I would sometimes go back to the old pool hall where we used to hang out, and one of us would see a girl who was clearly too young (as in jailbait), we'd make a long screeching sound of a prison door closing and then slamming shut: "You'd go to jail!" Pete tells Clark he's good at keeping secrets, and that nobody need ever know about his need. His need...for SPEED! (I can't believe I just typed that.) Clark is conflicted about keeping a secret. My God, what is that even like?

Newspaper. A photo of Poor Man's Wes Bentley is staring at us. The headline: "Tulsa Valedictorian Dead at 17." You all do know there's only one high school in all of Tulsa, right? PM'sWB tells Lana that everybody has someone who looks like him or her. "Chad Nash doesn't just look like you," Lana says sternly. "Chad Nash"? Ha! "Karate team, orchestra, computer club," Lana lists from the obit. She says that those are all things PM'sWB is a master of. He got all that expert knowledge from a high school in Oklahoma? According to the article, Lana says, PM'sWB died five months earlier of a rare liver disease. I think I may die from this episode. He asks whether Lana has shown the article to anyone. Lana says no. "Are you sure!?" he demands. Lana wants to know what's going on. He twitches a bit and tells her she can't reveal this to anyone. His left eye starts getting really red. Suddenly, the eye begins to bleed. Ew! He doesn't feel it, so Lana has to tell him he's bleeding. "Happens all the time," he says reassuringly. He says it's just a broken capillary. From watching Rob Schneider movies. Lana asks if he's all right. Oh, sure, just a little eye-bleed. PM'sWB grabs Lana by the arm and leads her out of his room. He roughly tells Lana that she has to promise not to tell anyone about his, um, death. "My life could depend on it," says Bloody Eye Bentley. Lana nods. He closes the door on her then winces. Lana backs away from the door. She sees through a mirror reflecting inside the room that he rushes to the bathroom, looking sickly. Couldn't Lana just throw his ass out?

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