Smallville

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Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
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Veritas

This recap is brought to you by a generous grant from the Central Kansas Gay Men's Veritas Astronomy Club, which promises to continue to keep an eye out for Uranus.

Someone on the show really wanted to get all artsy this week. We open on a shop of some very Un-Kansas trees and a daytime moon looming behind them. O Vancouver, I do love you, so. We see a hawk take off from a barn perch. It goes, "Caw!" This is really hilarious to me, because it looks just like that SNL sketch, "The Falconer." Oh, Donald! We have no food and I am trapped under this boulder! Go and find us sustenance! What do you mean you're making an appearance on a CW show and can't fetch me some help? I'm dying, Donald! And then Donald the falcon goes off and snorts cocaine off a stripper's ass. That's my kind of falcon. Anyhoo, the falcon, er, I mean, hawk, flies across the verdant woods. We see Kent Farm, where it's a little sunnier. Kara is doing some chores for once in her goddamned life. Gloved, she unties some bales of hay. We see the bird up in the tree. Wait, is it an owl now? I can't tell these damned flying things apart. It watches Kara. And caws again. Kara starts feeding the horses. The bird soars into the barn. Kara hears Shelby barking in there. Even though she has her memory back and her powers are restored, she walks like she's an 80-year-old woman, so slowly that the dog will probably be dead by the time she moves her slow ass over there. As she walks (slowly), she sees other birds flying by. Shelby continues to bark, saying in dog language, "Bitch, get your ASS in here! Now! I know you can whoosh and zip and blur yourself! I am a dog in need of assistance!" The music has ample time to build until Kara finally opens a door to the barn. Shelby barks again. Kara looks around. She tries to follow the sound and it just takes ages. She finally spots Shelby barking at a passing shadow. It moves behind Kara. "Quiet morning," a voice says, "it's cold. Still. Bleak." Underwritten. A face emerges from the shadows. Hey, it's Braniac! Welcome back, dude. So, were you the bird just then? You're a smart guy -- were you just an owl? Or a falcon? Or some sort of owl-hawk? Would that technically be a flying robot? Braniac tells Kara that it must remind her of Krypton when it's all still and bleak like this. I thought Krypton was supposed to be awesome. It's starting to sound like...well...rural Kansas. Kara doesn't know who this is. Braniac, wearing a cool leather jacket, says he's the answer to many of Kara's questions. She says he must have the wrong farmhouse. Braniac says he expected the girl raised by "Such a stoic race" to be better at lying. That stops her. He says she's just as transparent as Kal-El, whom he's been watching. Kara asks what he wants. Braniac says she can't return to Krypton, but that she would if she could. He thinks she must have been disappointed when she got her memory back. Kara says she's very happy here. Untying hay bales. Getting lectured by an owl-falcon-hawk-robot. Kara says Braniac should leave. Braniac doesn't think she really means it. He asks what she'd think about being able to go back and save the people she loved. Kara, skeptical, says he's not the first person to use those memories against her. But is he the first bird/robot to do it? She says it won't work. Braniac notices her silver Kryptonian bracelet. "That's unfortunate," he says. He says he needs her. She starts to walk past him, a little too closely, and he grabs her roughly. He says that at least she can't say he didn't ask nicely. We hear a very long whoosh that is a prelude to Clark coming into the barn. He grabs Braniac and pulls him back, launching him through the barn, past some fence and into some sort of piping that breaks and launches water into the air. Nice one, Clark. Ruin your own farm, why don't you? The water continues to gush and I keep waiting for Daniel Plainview to jump out and yell, "I have abandoned my Superman canon!" Clark and Kara zip into view to see what happened and...yeah. It doesn't look so hot. Poor Braniac emerges from the gusher with his hair and clothes all wet. He's actually got water dribbling out of his mouth as he says that if they'd done this his way, nobody would have gotten hurt. Now was that really necessary? Do we really need to see Braniac looking ridiculous and wet? Braniac launches himself forward and knocks over Clark and Kara like they're bowling pins and he just split 'em. They watch Braniac sail off into the sky. Kara stares at Clark, accusingly. Clark completely fails to move. Wanna get some bagels or something? It's still pretty early in the day. I think breakfast would be all right.

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Smallville

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