Smallville

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Opening credits. Commercials. You know what might ruin The Ruins? All these behind-the-scenes commercials. I want to be so scared at this movie that my balls fly off my body and go hide in the theater lobby. Don't take that away from me, movie marketers. ["What he said." -- Joe R]

Kent home. Clark is sulking as he walks toward the kitchen. Kara asks why Clark didn't tell her there was another Kryptonian on Earth. Whups! I thought Clark had filled her in on these important details. I guess he was too busy explaining to her how to feed the damn horses. "He's not a guy. He's a machine," Clark says. You should be a poet. If he's a machine, then maybe he'll get rusty from all that water. What kind of machine did you say? Clark says he's a computer. Does he have a Wi-Fi router? Because Kara really needs to check her Hotmail. "Braniac," Kara says. Clark, palms on the kitchen counter, says that last time he went up against Braniac, he wanted to release Zod. Kara asks if Clark destroyed Zod. Er, sorta. Who knows? Clark asks what Braniac wants now. To be upgraded to Windows Vista: Ultimate Kryptonian Edition? That's a sure way to cripple him! Kara says she's what he wants. "Your father," Clark says. No, Braniac wants Kara. Her father's gone. Clark is really bad with the listening sometimes. Clark says her dad made a lot of bad choices toward the end; he asks if Zor-El might have been allies with Zod. Kara says no way. She tells Clark that Zor-El and Jor-El both hated Zod and it was one of the few things on which they agreed. Kara doesn't know why Braniac wants her. Kara says that the next time they go up against him, it would be nice if they were all on the same playing field. Clark goes, "Whuh?" Kara says, "Or should I say, 'Sky?' " Clark still doesn't get it. You want him to build a field...in the sky? To play on? Like in Field of Dreams? Woman, you make no sense. Where would the bases go?

Daily Planet. Instead of seeing what Chloe's up to, we're at that other reporter's desk. Lois Lane stares at her screen, which has, in giant sans serif, "BIG COOL HEADLINE HERE." (By Lois Lane.) Oh my God. My eyes. My fucking eyeballs are bleeding. Could someone please hand me a moist towlette? PAIN! First of all, reporters don't write headlines, especially not at a giant, well-staffed newspaper. Secondly, I don't think Lois is capable of stringing a coherent sentence together, much less writing a pithy headline for that collection of brain turds. Every copy editor on staff must want to strangle her with her own bra strap. Speaking of that, we cut to a shot of Lois playing with a small rubber ball, painted like a globe. The camera is full-on framed at her chest. She's wearing a tight pink top with her cleavage hanging out and a red sweater opened up to show it off. The camera starts there and, as an afterthought, pans up slowly to her frustrated face. That's right. The producers have officially made Lois's breasts a talking point for Smallville. Again. Jimmy, camera strap around his neck, is standing nearby. "Aren't articles supposed to have words?" Jimmy asks. Yes, but when Lois writes them, the words don't have to make sense. Lois says she just starts with the best part and works backward. Uh huh. Wouldn't the mean writing the last sentence of the story first, not the headline? Also, I am completely unconvinced that stories by Lois have a "Best part." Jimmy says his camera memory card is equally blank and he's wondering if Lois needs eye candy to "complement those pros." "Prose?" What the fuck, Jimmy, you're turning into Lois! Lois asks if Jimmy doesn't get photo assignments. Jimmy says that under Lex's management, he's only getting little assignments. He wants a big story to so he'll stay off the gallows. Lois says that Lex couldn't hate Jimmy as much as he hates her. "So why not give him a double whammy?" Jimmy asks. Dirty! "Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen in their big debut," Jimmy pitches. Debut? How long have you been working there, man? And I think Lois would argue that she's already had some big stories in the paper. "What about Chloe?" Lois asks. Jimmy says that she got a call from Clark and ran off on some secret project. While the cat's away, the mousy dude will make awful journalistic decisions. Lois and Jimmy make strange faces at each other. Lois hears a little sound indicating she has a new e-mail. She checks it and sees a coroner's photo of Patricia Swann. Dead Patty has a bullet hole in her head. And she looks a bit like Laura Palmer. Yeah, I'm not thinking the coroner's department just randomly releases photos of dead bodies to the press. Lois smiles. Death is awesome! Lois says Jimmy better make sure his camera is loaded with "Ammo" because she's got tomorrow's headline. "Daughter of winning Nobel astronomer murdered," says Lois. Wouldn't they assign that story to a real reporter? Jimmy asks if it's the Swann woman they fished out of the lake last night. "Yeah," Lois says lustily. Jimmy thought she drowned. Lois says it's hard to swim when you've been shot. Indeed. Jimmy looks at Lois and then, swear to God, lowers his eyes and stares at her tits. Then he raises them back to her face. Lois sees him looking and doesn't seem to mind. It must happen all the damn time. Jimmy has been boobified.

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Smallville

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