So it's come to this, huh? Lex wakes up (fully clothed) with Lana on his jock and hears a terrible wringing in his head that leads him to the middle of a field. Swoop! Lex is sucked up by a translucent Kryptonian ship while Lana acts in protest. Clark finds out from Jarnelle and an informational ice dildo/dagger that General Zod plans to come to Earth by way of a human vessel, namely Lex. Lex is a vessel for a Kryptonian to enter? Tell Clark one he doesn't already know. Clark is faced with a terrible choice: he might need to kill Lex to keep Zod from destroying Earth the way he did Krypton. If only the plotholes could all be defeated in such an efficient manner. Lex tells Lana that he's got Kryptonian powers and she's a bit scared, but mostly tuned on by his honesty. Lana finds out about Clark's plans to potentially kill Lex and freaks out. "Not my man!" she whines and disses Clark for his lies for the millionth time. Professor SoFine wants Zod back and in order to pressure Clark to help make this happen, he unleashed a computer virus that goes alien-to-PC as revenge for Jeff Goldblum's bullshit in Independence Day. Instead of treating the computer virus and blackouts like normal humans have, mass rioting breaks out in stock footage from all over the world. Clark saves Chloe's life and she kisses him because she may never see him again. It's totally hot. MamaKent and Lois get on a private plane bound for a political event in Washington but the oxygen gives out and another SoFine is piloting the aircraft. They go unconscious and that's about as far as that plotline goes. Back in Metropolis, Chloe and Papa Luthor are caught in the riots and, despite the conventional wisdom on the forums, I think the goons are trying to rob and maybe beat up Chloe, not gang rape her. It's still disturbing to watch, though, Al and Miles. Instead of killing Lex, Clark throws his Krypto-dagger at SoFine and opens up a Massive Dark Energy Plothole that shuttles General Zod through SoFine and into Lex's body. An interstellar gay robot three-way? Just what this show needed. Clark is sucked into a ring of imprisonment up in space, doomed to forever be on the cover of Queen II. Lana seemingly steps right over Chloe's brutalized body to get to the roof of the LuthorCorp building to meet Lex. Only it's General Zod in there now. And guess what? General Zod falls in love with Lana just like everyone else in the goddamned universe. Instead of throwing her off the building or telling her to KNEEL BEFORE ZOD ("And, uh, while you're down there...") he kisses her, thus ensuring that General Zod is neither scary nor all-knowing. He's just as Lana-whipped as every other jerk on this show. Meanwhile Clark floats out in space in his album-cover prison, forced to watch these shitty events unfold. I know just how he feels. Have a great summer!
We made it! Dear Big Network Executive in the Sky, we made it! Last episode, biz-natches and biz-nachos! And yes, while I complained a lot, I will honestly say that as uneven as Season 5 was, it at least washed out the "Who in the WHAAA?!" taste of Season 4 out of our collective mouth. I'm just glad I'm no longer spending half my time recapping octagon-shaped discs anymore.
Let us go forth and recapture! Previously: an entire season's worth of Lana-worship happened.
We open on a pastoral view of Kent Farm. Brooding tones play, as a huge shadow creeps across the land. It's finally happened. MechaCow! Moooo, motherfuckers! Moooo! Drown in a sea of unpasteurized milk, silly humans! Clark is in the stable feeding horses and not hearing the huge hum or noticing the shadow across the land. Shelby the dog barks, and Clark finally sees that something's up. The horses buck and say, "Hey, don't show us the food, feed us with it, you alien jackass!" Clark, his hair waving, sees flashing lights outside. He can't figure out what it is. Instead of investigating, the future superhero closes the stable door. Nice one, Clark. You actually make me wonder whether Mercy Reef's hero will be any better.
Lair of Lex. We pan across a bunch of Chinese take-out containers and a fireplace that's still going, then we settle on Lex. He's lying, fully clothed, on his leather sofa. Lana is lying on him. His arm's not asleep because Lana is perfect and would never have that effect on a guy. The giant shadow, which can penetrate stained glass, moves across Lex's sleeping face. There's wind in the room (huh?) and the fireplace flashes. Lex suddenly opens his eyes. Lex winces a few times, as Lana, also fully dressed, wakes up. Was the cuddling good for you, too? Lex gets up. Lana asks whether something's wrong. Lex puts his palms to the sides of his head in pain. Yes, there's something wrong! Why aren't we sleeping in a bed? Why doesn't this giant castle even have a bedroom? Why is the fireplace going in May? It all...just...doesn't...make sense! Gaaahhhh! The camera spins around Lex, as Lana asks what's happening. Plotholes! Everywhere! Eating at the fabric of reality! Lex, grunting, throws open the double doors and exits. Lana follows.
Kansas road, daytime. Lex is driving his silver sports car. He still looks like he's in pain. Lana, in her red SUV, is following. Lex's phone rings. Lana is trying to call. Lex pulls over in the middle of nowhere. He runs through some brush. "Lex!" Lana calls as she pursues. Lex runs through a bit of water and slips in some mud. He grunts some more. Lana doesn't slip and fall or get her feet wet because she is an angel made of goodness and light and her poop is like one of heaven's tangerines. Lana runs after Lex, as he goes to stand in the middle of a big empty field. The camera does a cool Pi-esque spin with Lex, as he moans in pain and holds his head. He suddenly stops. Lana tries to run to him, but Lex yells for her to stay where she is. She asks what's happening. "I don't know!" he yells. Explosions start going off all around Lex, sending dirt flying up in the air. Boom, boom, boom, boom! Angelic light bleeds out of the ground. Lex is unhurt. He and Lana stare at each other. Then there's a rumbling and lots of wind. The shadow moves across the land. Lex looks up. There's seemingly nothing there. Lana hears a whoosh behind her. She turns and sees Professor SoFine standing there, wearing a Reservoir Dogs suit. Lex yells for SoFine to get away from Lana. "What are you doing?" Lana asks SoFine. "Perparing him," SoFine tells her. We see the translucent shape of a spaceship appear above Lex and a blue cylindrical beam homes in on Lex. Lex screams. Lana screams, "Noooo!" convincingly. Lex is suddenly beamed up into the ship, disappearing. Lana lets out a guttural scream of panic that's probably the most real thing I've ever seen her do on this show. She turns again. SoFine is gone. Lana runs into the circle of light. Have I mentioned she's so angelic you could scream? Light surrounds her. We get a sky-eye view. The light disappears, leaving a huge brand of the Kryptonian "Z" for Zod. Or maybe it's Kryptonian Zorro. Who the fuck knows? Lana is standing in the middle of the giant black symbol, unharmed.