Smallville
Vessel

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C | Grade It Now!
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Kneel Before...Lana?

We made it! Dear Big Network Executive in the Sky, we made it! Last episode, biz-natches and biz-nachos! And yes, while I complained a lot, I will honestly say that as uneven as Season 5 was, it at least washed out the "Who in the WHAAA?!" taste of Season 4 out of our collective mouth. I'm just glad I'm no longer spending half my time recapping octagon-shaped discs anymore.

Let us go forth and recapture! Previously: an entire season's worth of Lana-worship happened.

We open on a pastoral view of Kent Farm. Brooding tones play, as a huge shadow creeps across the land. It's finally happened. MechaCow! Moooo, motherfuckers! Moooo! Drown in a sea of unpasteurized milk, silly humans! Clark is in the stable feeding horses and not hearing the huge hum or noticing the shadow across the land. Shelby the dog barks, and Clark finally sees that something's up. The horses buck and say, "Hey, don't show us the food, feed us with it, you alien jackass!" Clark, his hair waving, sees flashing lights outside. He can't figure out what it is. Instead of investigating, the future superhero closes the stable door. Nice one, Clark. You actually make me wonder whether Mercy Reef's hero will be any better.

Lair of Lex. We pan across a bunch of Chinese take-out containers and a fireplace that's still going, then we settle on Lex. He's lying, fully clothed, on his leather sofa. Lana is lying on him. His arm's not asleep because Lana is perfect and would never have that effect on a guy. The giant shadow, which can penetrate stained glass, moves across Lex's sleeping face. There's wind in the room (huh?) and the fireplace flashes. Lex suddenly opens his eyes. Lex winces a few times, as Lana, also fully dressed, wakes up. Was the cuddling good for you, too? Lex gets up. Lana asks whether something's wrong. Lex puts his palms to the sides of his head in pain. Yes, there's something wrong! Why aren't we sleeping in a bed? Why doesn't this giant castle even have a bedroom? Why is the fireplace going in May? It all...just...doesn't...make sense! Gaaahhhh! The camera spins around Lex, as Lana asks what's happening. Plotholes! Everywhere! Eating at the fabric of reality! Lex, grunting, throws open the double doors and exits. Lana follows.

Kansas road, daytime. Lex is driving his silver sports car. He still looks like he's in pain. Lana, in her red SUV, is following. Lex's phone rings. Lana is trying to call. Lex pulls over in the middle of nowhere. He runs through some brush. "Lex!" Lana calls as she pursues. Lex runs through a bit of water and slips in some mud. He grunts some more. Lana doesn't slip and fall or get her feet wet because she is an angel made of goodness and light and her poop is like one of heaven's tangerines. Lana runs after Lex, as he goes to stand in the middle of a big empty field. The camera does a cool Pi-esque spin with Lex, as he moans in pain and holds his head. He suddenly stops. Lana tries to run to him, but Lex yells for her to stay where she is. She asks what's happening. "I don't know!" he yells. Explosions start going off all around Lex, sending dirt flying up in the air. Boom, boom, boom, boom! Angelic light bleeds out of the ground. Lex is unhurt. He and Lana stare at each other. Then there's a rumbling and lots of wind. The shadow moves across the land. Lex looks up. There's seemingly nothing there. Lana hears a whoosh behind her. She turns and sees Professor SoFine standing there, wearing a Reservoir Dogs suit. Lex yells for SoFine to get away from Lana. "What are you doing?" Lana asks SoFine. "Perparing him," SoFine tells her. We see the translucent shape of a spaceship appear above Lex and a blue cylindrical beam homes in on Lex. Lex screams. Lana screams, "Noooo!" convincingly. Lex is suddenly beamed up into the ship, disappearing. Lana lets out a guttural scream of panic that's probably the most real thing I've ever seen her do on this show. She turns again. SoFine is gone. Lana runs into the circle of light. Have I mentioned she's so angelic you could scream? Light surrounds her. We get a sky-eye view. The light disappears, leaving a huge brand of the Kryptonian "Z" for Zod. Or maybe it's Kryptonian Zorro. Who the fuck knows? Lana is standing in the middle of the giant black symbol, unharmed.

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