Hey folks! How were your holidays? Do you remember me? If not, my name is Omar G and I'm the one who tells you if Smallville is Gay, Stupid, or Brilliant. Let's just say they're batting about .333 this season. I did miss the show, though. To fill the void, I watched a lot of So Graham Norton, but it wasn't sexual enough. I watched Designing for the Sexes, but it was too butch. And figure skating just didn't do it. I needed my HoYay! Little did I know the show would come back, drained of its rainbow colors. Oh, by the way -- in the promo when they said, "The first of seven new episodes," I actually felt a real goose walking over my grave. His name was Chester.
The first episode in about forever opens at night on the marquee outside The Talon, Smallville's best cappuccino house. Yes, it's the only one in town and the foam tastes like steamed ass. But we'll forgive them. Inside the Talon and under the sink, it's what fans of the homoeroticism in this show have been waiting for: some heavy-duty pipe action! Oh, wait. It actually is some heavy-duty pipe action. The pipe is leaking while jaunty strummy rock music plays. Lana, her hair pulled back, says that twenty-four-hour plumbing service is a myth and that she called every plumber in Smallville. That's one guy, Lana. And it's 4 AM. And he's also the mayor, the constable, the principal, the fire department, and the PTA. Clark, who is next to Lana (in a white shirt, for once), says that by morning, Lana will need a snorkel. Um, Clark? Upper lip. Shhh. She's kind of sensitive about that. Clark says he'll try something and reaches out -- twisting the pipe, as it were. More water comes out. "Wrong way," Lana says, annoyingly. Clark moves it the other way and even more water comes out. Didn't Lex teach you anything, Clark? Clark and Lana are getting soaked about the face. I refrain from speaking here. Clark tells Lana to go get a wrench. He stares at the pipe as he continues getting wet. Wait, drain pipes aren't pressurized! Clark suddenly uses his Ejac-U-Vision and seals the leak. A little steam comes out. Clark makes a big yawn face and smoothes back his unruly Harry Potter hair. Lana comes in carrying a towel and asks Clark how he stopped the leak. He says he just kept twisting and turning. Uh huh. Lana makes Clark a one-man contestant in a private wet t-shirt contest. She gives him the uncertain eyes and I must say, "Nice torso." Clark notices her stare. Lana looks away and smiles. She says maybe one day she'll figure out how Clark Kent does the things he does. You know. That thing he does. Clark makes an eye motion for the towel. Lana's still kinda glisteny herself. Ah he dries up, Clark says that an orange cat that lives in Lana's old house (the one Nasty Nell vacated) comes up to the loft. Clark says he tries to talk to the cat, but that he's not half the conversationalist Lana is. Damn liar. Laughs. Lana says, "I have to admit. I do miss those sunsets." Those fake, cheesy, orange CGI sunsets. I miss them, too. Clark says the sky's not really the same when you see it alone. Profound, yet, huh? Lana breaks the sexual tension: "It's getting late." But not too late to drag some poor plumber out of bed, right? It's only late when your precious chastity belt is about to get unbuckled. Lana, still giggly, goes to put the wrench back where it belongs. Against her head, at high velocity. Clark smiles slyly to himself, all, "I am so in that."