Basement. Bo, waving a flashlight, heads down and yells back behind him, "He's down here!" Bo helps Clark up. He asks what happened. "The ship saved me," Clark says. Bo asks how that happened. Clark doesn't know, but he shows what it did to the necklace. Bo ineffectually shines the tiny flashlight on it. "My God," Clark says. "I have to save Lana." Again? Save her from lesbianism? Bo looks back at the ship, which is smoking in silence.
Talon. Lana is cleaning up dishes. She goes to the counter, and when she turns around, Clark (or rather Shapeshifta' Clark), is right there, in a brown jacket and blue shirt. Lana jumps. "Sorry, did I scare you?" Shapeshifta' Clark asks. Lana says no, she just wasn't expecting to see anyone this late. Again, when does the girl sleep or actually do any schoolwork? S.S. Clark stops her and says there's something he's been meaning to tell her. He says that when he saw Lana with Jocko, he realized that if he didn't act on his feelings, he might lose her forever. "Act on," "forever." Ain't high-school love grand? Lana disregards Shapeshifta's gravity and asks if somebody put something in the Smallville water today, because everyone's acting really strange. Tell me again why Shapeshifta' is so fixated on Lana? Shapeshifta' Clark says he's acting the way he should have acted when he first met her. "Lana, I love you," Shapeshifta' says, and kisses Lana. And not just any kiss. There's some tongue action, some lip-mashing, reverse angles. And please bear in mind, this is a lesbian kiss. Oh yeah. Lana finally puts up her hands and stops the kiss. It all looks a little fake and CGI and then I understand why: The Real Slim Clarky walks in just then with his lame red coat. Yep, only the real Clark would wear that out in public, lookin' all Members Only. Lana looks at Shapeshifta' Clark and to Real Clark to see that, yes, there are two of them. We go to commercials.
Julia Stiles and Selma Blair are in a movie together with Jason Lee. Those are two other women whose appeal completely and totally escapes me.
"Get away from her!" Lame Jacket Clark yells. Shapeshifta' Clark says it's nothing, and that he'll explain everything once he gets Lana away from "Tina." "Tina?" Lana asks. From very far away, Lame Jacket Clark says, "No, Lana, that's Tina." What is this, a Bugs Bunny cartoon now? Duck Season! Wabbit Season! They both call each other liars. Real Clark finally says, "The guy who fixed the leaky drain pipe!" So it was a drain pipe! Busted! Lana starts to struggle with Shapeshifta' Clark and the Shapeshifta' whines, "No, we're supposed to be together!" I have it freezed on Lana pulling away and she looks positively witchy. Lana tells Shapeshifta' to let her go. Shapeshifta' growls, "No!" and bats Lana across the face, sending her against the wall head first. Season Four of Smallville: The Brain-Damaged Years. Real Clark zips over and grabs Shapeshifta'. They struggle. "You ruin everything!" Shapeshifta' cries. No, you're thinking of the writers. Clark and Shapeshifta' fall through a door and out into a misty alley. They throw each other about as conquering music plays. Circling. "I'm gonna kick your ass, Kent!" Oh my. "Bring it on," Real Clark says. He did not! Oh goodness. They go at each other like bulls. There even appears to be mist coming out of Real Clark's nose. Shapeshifta' Clark charges. He/She hits Real Clark in the stomach. They fall back. Much shaking up of background objects. Wouldn't they be going through walls and shaking up the Earth? Shapeshifta' Clark pulls a pipe out and whacks Real Clark about the upper body, sending Real Clark flying into a flower shop. (Nell's flower shop? Did she sell it after all?) Real Clark crashes through glass. Shapeshifta' comes after Real Clark with the pipe. Real Clark kicks and sends Shapeshifta' through another set of windows. Real Clark walks outside and tells Shapeshifta' that this is enough, and that Shapeshifta' can stop. Shapeshifta' lifts up some big bulky contraption from the back of a truck and yells, "Why don't you just DIE!?" Ha! Shapeshifta' lifts the object overhead and goes after Real Clark, but, hey, what's that sharp pole-shaped object sticking out! Oh, it's grim death! Real Clark super-dodges, and Shapeshifta' rams stomach-first into the metal pole sticking out from the flower shop wreckage. Shapeshifta' is impaled at an improbable angle. He/She gurgles. Shapeshifta' Clark morphs into Shapeshifta' Girl, and she's, like, twice as large. Or maybe that's just a trick of perspective. "Take care of Lana," she manages. She dies as we hear her insides crunch. Between this and the slice and dice on 24 last week, this is been a pretty violent month for Tuesday-night television. Clark seems nonplussed by all this death.