Julia Stiles and Selma Blair are in a movie together with Jason Lee. Those are two other women whose appeal completely and totally escapes me.
"Get away from her!" Lame Jacket Clark yells. Shapeshifta' Clark says it's nothing, and that he'll explain everything once he gets Lana away from "Tina." "Tina?" Lana asks. From very far away, Lame Jacket Clark says, "No, Lana, that's Tina." What is this, a Bugs Bunny cartoon now? Duck Season! Wabbit Season! They both call each other liars. Real Clark finally says, "The guy who fixed the leaky drain pipe!" So it was a drain pipe! Busted! Lana starts to struggle with Shapeshifta' Clark and the Shapeshifta' whines, "No, we're supposed to be together!" I have it freezed on Lana pulling away and she looks positively witchy. Lana tells Shapeshifta' to let her go. Shapeshifta' growls, "No!" and bats Lana across the face, sending her against the wall head first. Season Four of Smallville: The Brain-Damaged Years. Real Clark zips over and grabs Shapeshifta'. They struggle. "You ruin everything!" Shapeshifta' cries. No, you're thinking of the writers. Clark and Shapeshifta' fall through a door and out into a misty alley. They throw each other about as conquering music plays. Circling. "I'm gonna kick your ass, Kent!" Oh my. "Bring it on," Real Clark says. He did not! Oh goodness. They go at each other like bulls. There even appears to be mist coming out of Real Clark's nose. Shapeshifta' Clark charges. He/She hits Real Clark in the stomach. They fall back. Much shaking up of background objects. Wouldn't they be going through walls and shaking up the Earth? Shapeshifta' Clark pulls a pipe out and whacks Real Clark about the upper body, sending Real Clark flying into a flower shop. (Nell's flower shop? Did she sell it after all?) Real Clark crashes through glass. Shapeshifta' comes after Real Clark with the pipe. Real Clark kicks and sends Shapeshifta' through another set of windows. Real Clark walks outside and tells Shapeshifta' that this is enough, and that Shapeshifta' can stop. Shapeshifta' lifts up some big bulky contraption from the back of a truck and yells, "Why don't you just DIE!?" Ha! Shapeshifta' lifts the object overhead and goes after Real Clark, but, hey, what's that sharp pole-shaped object sticking out! Oh, it's grim death! Real Clark super-dodges, and Shapeshifta' rams stomach-first into the metal pole sticking out from the flower shop wreckage. Shapeshifta' is impaled at an improbable angle. He/She gurgles. Shapeshifta' Clark morphs into Shapeshifta' Girl, and she's, like, twice as large. Or maybe that's just a trick of perspective. "Take care of Lana," she manages. She dies as we hear her insides crunch. Between this and the slice and dice on 24 last week, this is been a pretty violent month for Tuesday-night television. Clark seems nonplussed by all this death.
Kent Farm. Where the cows and the women are both full at the bosom. MamaKent is watering a plant as Clark and Bo walk in. They're sad. She asks how Ma Jocko is doing. Bo says, with a tear in his voice, that the officer Shapeshifta' Girl killed was coming to tell Ma Jocko that they found Jocko's body. He says that Jocko died in combat. "Ooooh, my God," MamaKent moans. War. What is it good for? I'll say what I said in the recaplet: Next time Eric Johnson signs a five-year contract to be on a TV show, he shouldn't let the producers pencil "In Dog Years" in the margin. MamaKent and Bo hug. MamaKent goes to Clark and asks if he's seen Lana. Chloe told him she's not ready to see anyone yet. MamaKent asks if Clark is all right. Clark follows with the soliloquy on our brave soldiers: They're not bulletproof, they don't have unbreakable bones, but they still put themselves in harm's way to defend our nation. ["Sure, but Clark is an Army of One! Literally!" -- Wing Chun] Clark says that if he didn't have his abilities, he wonders if he'd be that courageous. Um, no. I think you'd just be a wuss. Bo disagrees. He goes over to Clark -- who is staring out the window -- puts a hand on his shoulder and says, "Son, there is no doubt, in our minds, that you would." They have a moment while we pan back from the window.