Smallville
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The Marshall Mouthers Episode

Clark is at the Talon. He's hitting the books like a good brainy superhero. This time it's one called Identity Crisis & Mental Illness. The camera moves around Clark and then spots a sexy bald man over yonder and forsakes Clark for evil goodness. "I never figured you for having an identity crisis, Clark," says Lex Luthor, who is carrying a cup of coffee in a foam to-go cup. Clark says the book is for a friend. Lex says he hasn't heard that one before, and asks about the friend's problem. Lex asks if it's a Napoleon or messiah complex. As Lex sits down and makes himself at home, Clark says his friend thinks he's an alien. Lex says that proves he isn't. Uh, huh? Lex asks, if Clark were an alien, whether he'd go around telling people about it. "Probably not," Clark says. Lex purses his lips, MamaKent-style, and nods. Lex guesses Clark's friend spends a lot of time alone and thinks no one understands him. Lex says he just described himself in high school. Lex is an alien! Mr. Luthor says it's a classic outsider profile, and that the kid is just trying to get attention. Yeah, getting your ass kicked all the time from the attention you get rules! Lex gives Clark the shiny eyes for a few seconds, and asks whether Clark thinks there are aliens among them. Clark says he just wants to help the kid. Clark's just doin' it for the kids. Lex says he can get some people to help. Clark says he promised to keep it private. Clark gets up to leave. Lex congratulates Clark on the whole boarding-the-horse maneuver. That's what the kids are calling it these days, apparently. Lex calls it "a masterful stroke." It is neither the first nor the last time that stroking discussion has passed between these two. Clark downplays his, ahem, "stroking." Lex says he offered Lana a stable too for free, but was turned down by Lana. "Guess she was holding out for the best offer," Lex hisses deliciously. Lex tilts his head a little and smirks. Clark gets all dreamy. The subtext! So! Big! All the air in the room! Depleted! Gayest look! Of the episode!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...Clark arrives in high fashion in the red truck. Bo greets him in a panic. He says they took Jocko's horse out of the stable so Lana could walk him (she wasn't at The Talon?) and the horse collapsed. Bo says she's pretty upset and he's going to call the vet. On this show, rhyming is a good bet! Clark approaches Lana and the fallen horse. On every episode, Lana's voice is that of a horse whisperer. The horse, of course, of course, is right under a handy light. Lana whispers that she's seen the horse sick before, but never this bad. He's sick as a horse. Clark says there's help on the way. Lana doesn't want to lose this horse, "too." Wah wah. Lana says that the horse will be fine. "He's a fighter," Clark says. How in the fuck does he know that? Did the horse overcome horse polio and rescue kids from a fire or something? Is he Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron? "Just like his owner," Clark adds. Now, come on! Lana's a fighter like I'm a Gorgeous Lady of Wrestling. Lana looks to Clark, and I fear that they'll kiss over the body of a dying horse.

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Smallville

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